[If only that were something he could do. This place - whatever place this is - it isn't that place, that cruel world.
[It's not that Eren wants to abandon them - his friends, his comrades, Paradis. But here, where there's no war, or titans, or memories of the future...Could anyone really blame him for wishing he could stay?
[It still isn't freedom, but, at least it's something closer.
[If, in the future, he has to crush the world flat in order to find freedom - God, that feels like a blow right to the gut. Eren sinks in on himself until he's crouching on the ground, heel to ass.]
Whatever I'm planning...it's already been set in motion. But I didn't...I didn't think I'd have to--
I just...[He squeezes his eyes shut tight, tight, tight, like he could disappear if he made the world dark enough.]
[She stops herself before that gets louder. There’s an old wound of Aubrey’s being dug at here—of friends giving up, drifting, closing in on themselves until there’s nothing left to salvage.
[Or so it felt. Years ago this might’ve made her give up on Eren, too.
[That’s not an option she’ll let herself entertain, anymore.]
[Aubrey kneels down in front of him, and tries to take his hand in both of hers. It’s uncharacteristically bold, but she can’t afford not to reach out—not with the alternative bleeding pitch through the floorboards. (Even if he rejects this, she’ll stay there.)]
Eren… [Her voice is calm, but there’s something almost artificial to it. Detached, even. Like if she let anything else through, it’d all be over.]
[Is she scared of him? In another timeline, sure. But the fear is different, in this one—she’s afraid for him. For what this distress could drive him to; for what he could become.
[Aubrey hates to see him like this. Even more, however, she hates the thought of losing him.]
[And so whether he’d “save” her… it rings strangely hollow. Maybe in another context, that would’ve meant the world. As-is…] I know you would.
[But… does she?]
[”My kin and my kin alone.”
Everything for his friends, after all.]
[If Eren’s paying attention, he’ll notice, for the first time since entry, her eyes leave his face—to his hands, instead, which for the moment her grip stiffens on. It could just as easily feel like a squeeze. But inside, her blood runs cold.]
[How silently gutting, to mourn someone whose pulse is in her palm.]
[Eren squeezes Aubrey's hands back. His heart is racing - his mind is racing. He needs to remember, remember...
[But he can't.]
I just don't understand...why it's come to this...
[How many more people are going to have to die?
[The world, the world, the world. But why? What doesn't he know? What pushes him to that point?
[Surely, he must have a good reason...
[Eren squeezes Aubrey's hands again. The dread pouring over him is thick and oppressive.]
I come from a cruel world...It seems like everything I learn about it just makes everything worse. [Another squeeze. He's not entirely focused on her. His eyes are at their hands again, brow furrowed in thought - or maybe frustration.]
But we were so close...so close to finding something that could help...
[One final squeeze.] The key to freedom. The end of it all...I won't stop searching for that.
[Does she tell him? Eldians, Marleyians… Aubrey isn’t sure if he knows yet, how much he does—maybe this is why she learned. Is there any chance that, learning from a friend instead, he could be swayed?]
[His squeezes feel like a plea; his voice is too resolute. Her heart sinks lower and lower.]
That’s not freedom. [Looking away was a mistake; she can’t, now, face him again. Her head dips and her hands shake, but she doesn’t let go.] Why would you ever think… ending it all…
[It's around this time that Eren notices she isn't looking at him.]
Hey, that's not what I meant! Ending it all--
[He cuts himself off. He squeezes her hands again - hard. His eyes ignite the same way they did when Eren and Aubrey were at the party, talking about Reiner. He doesn't let go of her hands.]
Ending them. All of them. The people who destroyed my home - the monsters that have terrorized my people for a hundred years! And everyone who's responsible for them. [Gripping tighter.] All of them, all of them, all of them!
[His body is trembling, but there's a growl in his throat, an animalistic hiss to his words.]
They'll pay for what they've done. I want them dead! I'll kill them all!
[His grip hurts. His words hurt. He’s not even lashing out at her, but her chest tightens as if he is. And Eren’s trembling fury might be terrifying, if it wasn’t so achingly familiar.]
That's not… freedom… [Aubrey’s voice shakes.] It’s just… it’s vengeance, it’s stupid, it won’t… [But maybe it would, in his world.]
How is that freedom… [It’s barely above a whisper.]
[He shouts at her.] How would you know that anyway?!
You have freedom, you...you have no idea what it's like! All my life, I've been trapped, just waiting around to die like cattle in a pen!
[He releases her hands and jumps up.]
I'm not an animal! I'm a human! Freedom is my birthright - I'll won't stop at anything to get it!
As long as those monsters are around, we'll never find it! I made a vow - I was born into this world with a fight to pick, and I'm gonna win that fight no matter what it takes!
[Now this yelling—almost startling. As soon as Eren lets go she grips at her own hands as if on instinct, not quite having realized how tightly he held them.]
[Aubrey starts to cry—openly, without bothering to hide it—but the tension doesn’t abate. It boils, as Eren yells at her, and she stands even as she shakes. In the back of her mind: She should know better than this. But it’s been years since she took a lecture lying down, and she’s not about to give in again now.]
Y-you know what you are? You’re selfish. [Her fists clench at her sides like she’s trying to draw blood.] You talk like you’re a freedom fighter, but you know what you’ll tell me? [Ah—the implicit acceptance of what he’ll become.] You gave up!
I'm not. And I wouldn't give up - there's no way he told you that.
I've seen the memories. He-- [I. I.I.
[Eren's expression hardens again.]
I know what I'm doing. And if I have decided to do...whatever you're saying it is I do, then...it's what needs to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. Every time.
[Then, with a shake of his head.]
"To rise above monsters, we have to abandon our humanity..."
Of course it horrifies me! [Once again, he's shouting, but this time, it sounds desperate - like a cornered animal, a frightened child.]
All I know is horror! That's what life is, Aubrey! Maybe not for you, but for me, my friends, everyone I love-- Horror? That's what I'm trying to end!
[Eren Jaeger. His ideals are always competing with each other. Sometimes it's "I want to save my family", sometimes it's "I want freedom" - most often, it's "I want revenge". All three can be true at the same time, can't they?]
I'm not giving up on anything. I'm accepting the future for what it is.
I'm trusting myself. I-I'm doing whatever it takes. Stop making me try to doubt myself!
[Thanks, Eren. Under normal circumstances Aubrey wouldn’t be advocating for denialism—but like hell if this situation is anything near normal.]
[She wants to keep being mad at him; it’s hard to, it’s hard not to.] I’m not… saying you shouldn’t.... [Isn’t she, though? If that’s what it leads to?]
You’d just add to it, you idiot. [It’s a sorry attempt.] Why can’t you fight that…?
[Eren stands, stupid and silent, for a long moment, just staring at Aubrey; not the dead-eyed, thousand yard stare of the older Eren. This Eren knows Aubrey. This Eren is Aubrey's friend. And his eyes are pleading.
[And then, they're not. Then, they're just broken.]
Aubrey...[He closes his eyes, just for a moment. There's a terrible weight bearing down, like he's trapped somewhere, and no one can lift away the debris to free him...]
I've done things...you couldn't even imagine...
Add to it...? I already have. I am everyday...
[He shakes his head. His expression deeply pained.]
It's kill or be killed. That's what it always comes down to.
I'm sorry if I made you think I'm a good person. That's never been the case...
[…Ah. Just as the other Eren keeps saying—Aubrey can’t understand. Their lives are too different, no matter what timeline; the chasm drags wider, wider.]
[He’s infuriating.]
[She grabs for the neck of his shirt, with both hands.] I don’t— I don’t. care. [Her voice is ragged.] I just…
[Really, what was she going to do? Punch him? Shake him? If he had done anything but this, maybe. And if anyone should be holding the other, Eren needs it so much more.]
[Aubrey throws her arms around his back and pulls in, tight. A mess.] E-Eren… [She’s too shaken to resist, but she’d much rather he give himself to her. If it’s not too late.]
[The rest lodges in her throat. What is he going to do? What are they supposed to do…?]
[It takes what willpower Aubrey has left to not sob, loudly. Instead she buries her face in the crook of his neck, tugging him close like she never will again.]
Y-you… you stubborn moron… [Read: that’s something she’s wanted to hear for so, so long. Why like this…?]
…Of. Of course we will. [She wants so badly to believe that.] A-as long as… you still want that....
[Quietly, with Aubrey's face still buried in the crook of his neck:]
Of course I do...
[Then:]
Just because I've done what I've done...[And he includes what his older self has done - because it has been done - in this.] It doesn't mean...I don't care for my friends.
I do...[He grips her a little tighter.] All I want...is for my friends to know happiness...
[His friends. His kin. It always comes back to that.]
[Abruptly Aubrey tries to shove herself away—to push him back, too. Not with force, but enough to communicate this moment is done. She shouldn’t indulge herself like that too long, anyway.]
I know you keep saying that. [Whether that worked to separate them or not, she swipes at her eyes. It’s a tense gesture, still.] But from everything I know… that won’t make your friends happy. I-it can’t.
[He lets go when she pushes back, slightly startled, and more than a little injured by the action. Can they still be friends like this?
[She's right, too...He can't imagine how something like ending the world would bring his friends happiness. But he knows...that his goals are larger than that, too. He has the weight of all humanity on his shoulders, and at only fifteen.
[Is he fighting the impulse to break beneath that weight because he truly trusts that whatever decision he makes in the future has to be the right one? Or has he just resigned himself to the fact that there's nothing that can stop him now...?]
I'm not lying...[His voice is very quiet.] I love them...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[If only that were something he could do. This place - whatever place this is - it isn't that place, that cruel world.
[It's not that Eren wants to abandon them - his friends, his comrades, Paradis. But here, where there's no war, or titans, or memories of the future...Could anyone really blame him for wishing he could stay?
[It still isn't freedom, but, at least it's something closer.
[If, in the future, he has to crush the world flat in order to find freedom - God, that feels like a blow right to the gut. Eren sinks in on himself until he's crouching on the ground, heel to ass.]
Whatever I'm planning...it's already been set in motion. But I didn't...I didn't think I'd have to--
I just...[He squeezes his eyes shut tight, tight, tight, like he could disappear if he made the world dark enough.]
I just...want...freedom...
trips, bonus tag falls out of pocket
You don’t have to, that’s what I’m saying—
[She stops herself before that gets louder. There’s an old wound of Aubrey’s being dug at here—of friends giving up, drifting, closing in on themselves until there’s nothing left to salvage.
[Or so it felt. Years ago this might’ve made her give up on Eren, too.
[That’s not an option she’ll let herself entertain, anymore.]
[Aubrey kneels down in front of him, and tries to take his hand in both of hers. It’s uncharacteristically bold, but she can’t afford not to reach out—not with the alternative bleeding pitch through the floorboards. (Even if he rejects this, she’ll stay there.)]
Eren… [Her voice is calm, but there’s something almost artificial to it. Detached, even. Like if she let anything else through, it’d all be over.]
[What’s there left to say.]
no subject
[’Don’t tell anyone I was crying, okay?’]
Aubrey…
[They’re friends. They’re friends, and she’s scared, and it’s him she’s scared of.
[Maybe she should be.]
You’re my friend. I wouldn’t hurt you, okay?
[He can’t tell if he’s lying.
[He can’t tell if he’s lying.]
No! Even…even if it did come to that, I’d…I’d save you.
[Just like he’ll “save” the people who are begging him to stop The Rumbling.
[Eren Jaeger is, as it turns out, still Eren Jaeger. And it seems that, despite everything, he’s already started adjusting to this new idea…]
no subject
[Is she scared of him? In another timeline, sure. But the fear is different, in this one—she’s afraid for him. For what this distress could drive him to; for what he could become.
[Aubrey hates to see him like this. Even more, however, she hates the thought of losing him.]
[And so whether he’d “save” her… it rings strangely hollow. Maybe in another context, that would’ve meant the world. As-is…] I know you would.
[But… does she?]
[”My kin and my kin alone.”
Everything for his friends, after all.]
[If Eren’s paying attention, he’ll notice, for the first time since entry, her eyes leave his face—to his hands, instead, which for the moment her grip stiffens on. It could just as easily feel like a squeeze. But inside, her blood runs cold.]
[How silently gutting, to mourn someone whose pulse is in her palm.]
no subject
[But he can't.]
I just don't understand...why it's come to this...
[How many more people are going to have to die?
[The world, the world, the world. But why? What doesn't he know? What pushes him to that point?
[Surely, he must have a good reason...
[Eren squeezes Aubrey's hands again. The dread pouring over him is thick and oppressive.]
I come from a cruel world...It seems like everything I learn about it just makes everything worse. [Another squeeze. He's not entirely focused on her. His eyes are at their hands again, brow furrowed in thought - or maybe frustration.]
But we were so close...so close to finding something that could help...
[One final squeeze.] The key to freedom. The end of it all...I won't stop searching for that.
no subject
[Does she tell him? Eldians, Marleyians… Aubrey isn’t sure if he knows yet, how much he does—maybe this is why she learned. Is there any chance that, learning from a friend instead, he could be swayed?]
[His squeezes feel like a plea; his voice is too resolute. Her heart sinks lower and lower.]
That’s not freedom. [Looking away was a mistake; she can’t, now, face him again. Her head dips and her hands shake, but she doesn’t let go.] Why would you ever think… ending it all…
no subject
Hey, that's not what I meant! Ending it all--
[He cuts himself off. He squeezes her hands again - hard. His eyes ignite the same way they did when Eren and Aubrey were at the party, talking about Reiner. He doesn't let go of her hands.]
Ending them. All of them. The people who destroyed my home - the monsters that have terrorized my people for a hundred years! And everyone who's responsible for them. [Gripping tighter.] All of them, all of them, all of them!
[His body is trembling, but there's a growl in his throat, an animalistic hiss to his words.]
They'll pay for what they've done. I want them dead! I'll kill them all!
no subject
[His grip hurts. His words hurt. He’s not even lashing out at her, but her chest tightens as if he is. And Eren’s trembling fury might be terrifying, if it wasn’t so achingly familiar.]
That's not… freedom… [Aubrey’s voice shakes.] It’s just… it’s vengeance, it’s stupid, it won’t… [But maybe it would, in his world.]
How is that freedom… [It’s barely above a whisper.]
no subject
[He shouts at her.] How would you know that anyway?!
You have freedom, you...you have no idea what it's like! All my life, I've been trapped, just waiting around to die like cattle in a pen!
[He releases her hands and jumps up.]
I'm not an animal! I'm a human! Freedom is my birthright - I'll won't stop at anything to get it!
As long as those monsters are around, we'll never find it! I made a vow - I was born into this world with a fight to pick, and I'm gonna win that fight no matter what it takes!
no subject
[Now this yelling—almost startling. As soon as Eren lets go she grips at her own hands as if on instinct, not quite having realized how tightly he held them.]
[Aubrey starts to cry—openly, without bothering to hide it—but the tension doesn’t abate. It boils, as Eren yells at her, and she stands even as she shakes. In the back of her mind: She should know better than this. But it’s been years since she took a lecture lying down, and she’s not about to give in again now.]
Y-you know what you are? You’re selfish. [Her fists clench at her sides like she’s trying to draw blood.] You talk like you’re a freedom fighter, but you know what you’ll tell me? [Ah—the implicit acceptance of what he’ll become.] You gave up!
no subject
Gave up?
I would never do that. Never!
no subject
[Oh, she wishes she was.]
The Eren I talked to… he would’ve said that, too. But morality didn’t [doesn’t?] matter to him anymore.
He— [Some—but not by any means all—of the fury drains.] He’s a coward.
no subject
He's not.
I'm not. And I wouldn't give up - there's no way he told you that.
I've seen the memories. He-- [I. I. I.
[Eren's expression hardens again.]
I know what I'm doing. And if I have decided to do...whatever you're saying it is I do, then...it's what needs to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. Every time.
[Then, with a shake of his head.]
"To rise above monsters, we have to abandon our humanity..."
Morality is a joke.
eren “chicken little” jaeger.......
Stop talking like that.
[She steps closer to him—and for what, to grab him, shake him, shove him? For now, the glare, however distraught, holds.]
Doesn’t that horrify you? You’re— You’re giving up as you speak. [Snarled like an accusation.]
no subject
All I know is horror! That's what life is, Aubrey! Maybe not for you, but for me, my friends, everyone I love-- Horror? That's what I'm trying to end!
[Eren Jaeger. His ideals are always competing with each other. Sometimes it's "I want to save my family", sometimes it's "I want freedom" - most often, it's "I want revenge". All three can be true at the same time, can't they?]
I'm not giving up on anything. I'm accepting the future for what it is.
I'm trusting myself. I-I'm doing whatever it takes. Stop making me try to doubt myself!
no subject
[Right in the heart.]
[Thanks, Eren. Under normal circumstances Aubrey wouldn’t be advocating for denialism—but like hell if this situation is anything near normal.]
[She wants to keep being mad at him; it’s hard to, it’s hard not to.] I’m not… saying you shouldn’t.... [Isn’t she, though? If that’s what it leads to?]
You’d just add to it, you idiot. [It’s a sorry attempt.] Why can’t you fight that…?
no subject
[And then, they're not. Then, they're just broken.]
Aubrey...[He closes his eyes, just for a moment. There's a terrible weight bearing down, like he's trapped somewhere, and no one can lift away the debris to free him...]
I've done things...you couldn't even imagine...
Add to it...? I already have. I am everyday...
[He shakes his head. His expression deeply pained.]
It's kill or be killed. That's what it always comes down to.
I'm sorry if I made you think I'm a good person. That's never been the case...
no subject
[…Ah. Just as the other Eren keeps saying—Aubrey can’t understand. Their lives are too different, no matter what timeline; the chasm drags wider, wider.]
[He’s infuriating.]
[She grabs for the neck of his shirt, with both hands.] I don’t— I don’t. care. [Her voice is ragged.] I just…
no subject
[The Eren she knows is still in there. He’s right here…
[He’ll try to put his arms around her - bring her in close and protective against his check if she’ll let him.]
no subject
[This… isn’t right.
[Really, what was she going to do? Punch him? Shake him? If he had done anything but this, maybe. And if anyone should be holding the other, Eren needs it so much more.]
[Aubrey throws her arms around his back and pulls in, tight. A mess.] E-Eren… [She’s too shaken to resist, but she’d much rather he give himself to her. If it’s not too late.]
[The rest lodges in her throat. What is he going to do? What are they supposed to do…?]
no subject
[He holds her a little tighter.]
I hope…we can still be friends…as long as we’re together.
no subject
[It takes what willpower Aubrey has left to not sob, loudly. Instead she buries her face in the crook of his neck, tugging him close like she never will again.]
Y-you… you stubborn moron… [Read: that’s something she’s wanted to hear for so, so long. Why like this…?]
…Of. Of course we will. [She wants so badly to believe that.] A-as long as… you still want that....
no subject
Of course I do...
[Then:]
Just because I've done what I've done...[And he includes what his older self has done - because it has been done - in this.] It doesn't mean...I don't care for my friends.
I do...[He grips her a little tighter.] All I want...is for my friends to know happiness...
no subject
[His friends. His kin. It always comes back to that.]
[Abruptly Aubrey tries to shove herself away—to push him back, too. Not with force, but enough to communicate this moment is done. She shouldn’t indulge herself like that too long, anyway.]
I know you keep saying that. [Whether that worked to separate them or not, she swipes at her eyes. It’s a tense gesture, still.] But from everything I know… that won’t make your friends happy. I-it can’t.
no subject
[She's right, too...He can't imagine how something like ending the world would bring his friends happiness. But he knows...that his goals are larger than that, too. He has the weight of all humanity on his shoulders, and at only fifteen.
[Is he fighting the impulse to break beneath that weight because he truly trusts that whatever decision he makes in the future has to be the right one? Or has he just resigned himself to the fact that there's nothing that can stop him now...?]
I'm not lying...[His voice is very quiet.] I love them...
[All of them...Aubrey too.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)