[His grip hurts. His words hurt. He’s not even lashing out at her, but her chest tightens as if he is. And Eren’s trembling fury might be terrifying, if it wasn’t so achingly familiar.]
That's not… freedom… [Aubrey’s voice shakes.] It’s just… it’s vengeance, it’s stupid, it won’t… [But maybe it would, in his world.]
How is that freedom… [It’s barely above a whisper.]
[He shouts at her.] How would you know that anyway?!
You have freedom, you...you have no idea what it's like! All my life, I've been trapped, just waiting around to die like cattle in a pen!
[He releases her hands and jumps up.]
I'm not an animal! I'm a human! Freedom is my birthright - I'll won't stop at anything to get it!
As long as those monsters are around, we'll never find it! I made a vow - I was born into this world with a fight to pick, and I'm gonna win that fight no matter what it takes!
[Now this yelling—almost startling. As soon as Eren lets go she grips at her own hands as if on instinct, not quite having realized how tightly he held them.]
[Aubrey starts to cry—openly, without bothering to hide it—but the tension doesn’t abate. It boils, as Eren yells at her, and she stands even as she shakes. In the back of her mind: She should know better than this. But it’s been years since she took a lecture lying down, and she’s not about to give in again now.]
Y-you know what you are? You’re selfish. [Her fists clench at her sides like she’s trying to draw blood.] You talk like you’re a freedom fighter, but you know what you’ll tell me? [Ah—the implicit acceptance of what he’ll become.] You gave up!
I'm not. And I wouldn't give up - there's no way he told you that.
I've seen the memories. He-- [I. I.I.
[Eren's expression hardens again.]
I know what I'm doing. And if I have decided to do...whatever you're saying it is I do, then...it's what needs to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. Every time.
[Then, with a shake of his head.]
"To rise above monsters, we have to abandon our humanity..."
Of course it horrifies me! [Once again, he's shouting, but this time, it sounds desperate - like a cornered animal, a frightened child.]
All I know is horror! That's what life is, Aubrey! Maybe not for you, but for me, my friends, everyone I love-- Horror? That's what I'm trying to end!
[Eren Jaeger. His ideals are always competing with each other. Sometimes it's "I want to save my family", sometimes it's "I want freedom" - most often, it's "I want revenge". All three can be true at the same time, can't they?]
I'm not giving up on anything. I'm accepting the future for what it is.
I'm trusting myself. I-I'm doing whatever it takes. Stop making me try to doubt myself!
[Thanks, Eren. Under normal circumstances Aubrey wouldn’t be advocating for denialism—but like hell if this situation is anything near normal.]
[She wants to keep being mad at him; it’s hard to, it’s hard not to.] I’m not… saying you shouldn’t.... [Isn’t she, though? If that’s what it leads to?]
You’d just add to it, you idiot. [It’s a sorry attempt.] Why can’t you fight that…?
[Eren stands, stupid and silent, for a long moment, just staring at Aubrey; not the dead-eyed, thousand yard stare of the older Eren. This Eren knows Aubrey. This Eren is Aubrey's friend. And his eyes are pleading.
[And then, they're not. Then, they're just broken.]
Aubrey...[He closes his eyes, just for a moment. There's a terrible weight bearing down, like he's trapped somewhere, and no one can lift away the debris to free him...]
I've done things...you couldn't even imagine...
Add to it...? I already have. I am everyday...
[He shakes his head. His expression deeply pained.]
It's kill or be killed. That's what it always comes down to.
I'm sorry if I made you think I'm a good person. That's never been the case...
[…Ah. Just as the other Eren keeps saying—Aubrey can’t understand. Their lives are too different, no matter what timeline; the chasm drags wider, wider.]
[He’s infuriating.]
[She grabs for the neck of his shirt, with both hands.] I don’t— I don’t. care. [Her voice is ragged.] I just…
[Really, what was she going to do? Punch him? Shake him? If he had done anything but this, maybe. And if anyone should be holding the other, Eren needs it so much more.]
[Aubrey throws her arms around his back and pulls in, tight. A mess.] E-Eren… [She’s too shaken to resist, but she’d much rather he give himself to her. If it’s not too late.]
[The rest lodges in her throat. What is he going to do? What are they supposed to do…?]
[It takes what willpower Aubrey has left to not sob, loudly. Instead she buries her face in the crook of his neck, tugging him close like she never will again.]
Y-you… you stubborn moron… [Read: that’s something she’s wanted to hear for so, so long. Why like this…?]
…Of. Of course we will. [She wants so badly to believe that.] A-as long as… you still want that....
[Quietly, with Aubrey's face still buried in the crook of his neck:]
Of course I do...
[Then:]
Just because I've done what I've done...[And he includes what his older self has done - because it has been done - in this.] It doesn't mean...I don't care for my friends.
I do...[He grips her a little tighter.] All I want...is for my friends to know happiness...
[His friends. His kin. It always comes back to that.]
[Abruptly Aubrey tries to shove herself away—to push him back, too. Not with force, but enough to communicate this moment is done. She shouldn’t indulge herself like that too long, anyway.]
I know you keep saying that. [Whether that worked to separate them or not, she swipes at her eyes. It’s a tense gesture, still.] But from everything I know… that won’t make your friends happy. I-it can’t.
[He lets go when she pushes back, slightly startled, and more than a little injured by the action. Can they still be friends like this?
[She's right, too...He can't imagine how something like ending the world would bring his friends happiness. But he knows...that his goals are larger than that, too. He has the weight of all humanity on his shoulders, and at only fifteen.
[Is he fighting the impulse to break beneath that weight because he truly trusts that whatever decision he makes in the future has to be the right one? Or has he just resigned himself to the fact that there's nothing that can stop him now...?]
I'm not lying...[His voice is very quiet.] I love them...
Eren, I– [Neither of those statements were ever in doubt.] I know you do. [But that’s just the problem, isn’t it?
[It’s so frustratingly true—she has no idea what he’s faced, what he will face. A story and a single outburst is nothing next to it all. That’s not in doubt, either.]
[And yet.]
I just… I want things to be different. F-for you. [Hasty addition, there. Aubrey shakes her head, closes her eyes for a moment. Her hands have fallen limply at her sides; it doesn’t hurt any less, really.] Does it… have to be like this…?
[The killing? The world he lives in, the view on it he’ll come to take? His insistence, which he’ll inherit even more strongly than she’s already hearing, that he can’t go back from this? It’s… everything, really.]
[Eren has periods like this. They've been getting worse and worse lately; a dreadful feeling that creeps up on him and makes his heart beat slow, his brain go quiet. Numbness. Something reaching toward apathy, but not quite connecting. He's just so...sorrowful inside, these days. He wishes it would go away...The emotion bleeds out through his eyes now. He hasn't gotten good at dulling them yet...]
I want things to be different too. That's exactly what I want.
[But...
["Does it...have to be like this...?"]
Aubrey...could we...talk about something else for a while...?
[His voice is very distant now.]
I...I don't know what else to say...
[A covert "yes". He begins grieving before she can even walk away. No way things can go on like this...]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His grip hurts. His words hurt. He’s not even lashing out at her, but her chest tightens as if he is. And Eren’s trembling fury might be terrifying, if it wasn’t so achingly familiar.]
That's not… freedom… [Aubrey’s voice shakes.] It’s just… it’s vengeance, it’s stupid, it won’t… [But maybe it would, in his world.]
How is that freedom… [It’s barely above a whisper.]
no subject
[He shouts at her.] How would you know that anyway?!
You have freedom, you...you have no idea what it's like! All my life, I've been trapped, just waiting around to die like cattle in a pen!
[He releases her hands and jumps up.]
I'm not an animal! I'm a human! Freedom is my birthright - I'll won't stop at anything to get it!
As long as those monsters are around, we'll never find it! I made a vow - I was born into this world with a fight to pick, and I'm gonna win that fight no matter what it takes!
no subject
[Now this yelling—almost startling. As soon as Eren lets go she grips at her own hands as if on instinct, not quite having realized how tightly he held them.]
[Aubrey starts to cry—openly, without bothering to hide it—but the tension doesn’t abate. It boils, as Eren yells at her, and she stands even as she shakes. In the back of her mind: She should know better than this. But it’s been years since she took a lecture lying down, and she’s not about to give in again now.]
Y-you know what you are? You’re selfish. [Her fists clench at her sides like she’s trying to draw blood.] You talk like you’re a freedom fighter, but you know what you’ll tell me? [Ah—the implicit acceptance of what he’ll become.] You gave up!
no subject
Gave up?
I would never do that. Never!
no subject
[Oh, she wishes she was.]
The Eren I talked to… he would’ve said that, too. But morality didn’t [doesn’t?] matter to him anymore.
He— [Some—but not by any means all—of the fury drains.] He’s a coward.
no subject
He's not.
I'm not. And I wouldn't give up - there's no way he told you that.
I've seen the memories. He-- [I. I. I.
[Eren's expression hardens again.]
I know what I'm doing. And if I have decided to do...whatever you're saying it is I do, then...it's what needs to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. Every time.
[Then, with a shake of his head.]
"To rise above monsters, we have to abandon our humanity..."
Morality is a joke.
eren “chicken little” jaeger.......
Stop talking like that.
[She steps closer to him—and for what, to grab him, shake him, shove him? For now, the glare, however distraught, holds.]
Doesn’t that horrify you? You’re— You’re giving up as you speak. [Snarled like an accusation.]
no subject
All I know is horror! That's what life is, Aubrey! Maybe not for you, but for me, my friends, everyone I love-- Horror? That's what I'm trying to end!
[Eren Jaeger. His ideals are always competing with each other. Sometimes it's "I want to save my family", sometimes it's "I want freedom" - most often, it's "I want revenge". All three can be true at the same time, can't they?]
I'm not giving up on anything. I'm accepting the future for what it is.
I'm trusting myself. I-I'm doing whatever it takes. Stop making me try to doubt myself!
no subject
[Right in the heart.]
[Thanks, Eren. Under normal circumstances Aubrey wouldn’t be advocating for denialism—but like hell if this situation is anything near normal.]
[She wants to keep being mad at him; it’s hard to, it’s hard not to.] I’m not… saying you shouldn’t.... [Isn’t she, though? If that’s what it leads to?]
You’d just add to it, you idiot. [It’s a sorry attempt.] Why can’t you fight that…?
no subject
[And then, they're not. Then, they're just broken.]
Aubrey...[He closes his eyes, just for a moment. There's a terrible weight bearing down, like he's trapped somewhere, and no one can lift away the debris to free him...]
I've done things...you couldn't even imagine...
Add to it...? I already have. I am everyday...
[He shakes his head. His expression deeply pained.]
It's kill or be killed. That's what it always comes down to.
I'm sorry if I made you think I'm a good person. That's never been the case...
no subject
[…Ah. Just as the other Eren keeps saying—Aubrey can’t understand. Their lives are too different, no matter what timeline; the chasm drags wider, wider.]
[He’s infuriating.]
[She grabs for the neck of his shirt, with both hands.] I don’t— I don’t. care. [Her voice is ragged.] I just…
no subject
[The Eren she knows is still in there. He’s right here…
[He’ll try to put his arms around her - bring her in close and protective against his check if she’ll let him.]
no subject
[This… isn’t right.
[Really, what was she going to do? Punch him? Shake him? If he had done anything but this, maybe. And if anyone should be holding the other, Eren needs it so much more.]
[Aubrey throws her arms around his back and pulls in, tight. A mess.] E-Eren… [She’s too shaken to resist, but she’d much rather he give himself to her. If it’s not too late.]
[The rest lodges in her throat. What is he going to do? What are they supposed to do…?]
no subject
[He holds her a little tighter.]
I hope…we can still be friends…as long as we’re together.
no subject
[It takes what willpower Aubrey has left to not sob, loudly. Instead she buries her face in the crook of his neck, tugging him close like she never will again.]
Y-you… you stubborn moron… [Read: that’s something she’s wanted to hear for so, so long. Why like this…?]
…Of. Of course we will. [She wants so badly to believe that.] A-as long as… you still want that....
no subject
Of course I do...
[Then:]
Just because I've done what I've done...[And he includes what his older self has done - because it has been done - in this.] It doesn't mean...I don't care for my friends.
I do...[He grips her a little tighter.] All I want...is for my friends to know happiness...
no subject
[His friends. His kin. It always comes back to that.]
[Abruptly Aubrey tries to shove herself away—to push him back, too. Not with force, but enough to communicate this moment is done. She shouldn’t indulge herself like that too long, anyway.]
I know you keep saying that. [Whether that worked to separate them or not, she swipes at her eyes. It’s a tense gesture, still.] But from everything I know… that won’t make your friends happy. I-it can’t.
no subject
[She's right, too...He can't imagine how something like ending the world would bring his friends happiness. But he knows...that his goals are larger than that, too. He has the weight of all humanity on his shoulders, and at only fifteen.
[Is he fighting the impulse to break beneath that weight because he truly trusts that whatever decision he makes in the future has to be the right one? Or has he just resigned himself to the fact that there's nothing that can stop him now...?]
I'm not lying...[His voice is very quiet.] I love them...
[All of them...Aubrey too.]
no subject
Eren, I– [Neither of those statements were ever in doubt.] I know you do. [But that’s just the problem, isn’t it?
[It’s so frustratingly true—she has no idea what he’s faced, what he will face. A story and a single outburst is nothing next to it all. That’s not in doubt, either.]
[And yet.]
I just… I want things to be different. F-for you. [Hasty addition, there. Aubrey shakes her head, closes her eyes for a moment. Her hands have fallen limply at her sides; it doesn’t hurt any less, really.] Does it… have to be like this…?
[The killing? The world he lives in, the view on it he’ll come to take? His insistence, which he’ll inherit even more strongly than she’s already hearing, that he can’t go back from this? It’s… everything, really.]
no subject
I want things to be different too. That's exactly what I want.
[But...
["Does it...have to be like this...?"]
Aubrey...could we...talk about something else for a while...?
[His voice is very distant now.]
I...I don't know what else to say...
[A covert "yes". He begins grieving before she can even walk away. No way things can go on like this...]
no subject
[It’s just about a non-answer. But in a way, they both knew it would come to this, didn’t they?]
[Just once more, Aubrey reaches out. Wraps her palm around his face, and thumbs at the emotion that overflows. He’s still so young, it seems…]
Yeah. [An exhale of a word.] Okay.
[And she lets go.]