[So she’s not the only one who doesn’t want to face this, if only for a moment. But not confronting it isn’t an option—or at least not a good one.
[When Eren looks back up, Aubrey almost flinches—but she trusts his honesty. She wants to, at least. Even in… whatever it was she saw, he answered everything.]
And I’m trying to say—you sound like you know what I’m talking about. [There’s an anger, still, but not at him—or herself or the other versions or anyone. (Not that this is clear, from the outside.) What’s going on…?] He called himself the end of the world.
[At this, for a moment, Eren looks genuinely confused. The end of the world? That doesn't sound right. But, the visions he's been having - and for so long, now, too...At this point, he starts to look scared instead.
[Shaking his head:]
No, I don't know - I mean -
[His fists are still clenched. He brings one up to stare at it. He forces the tension to release, then turns his hand around at the wrist, flexes his fingers like his hand is in pain.
[Back to Aubrey.]
No one's ending the world. That's not what I'm after.
And I told you, I don't know any more than you do, maybe less!
I've seen him. He's...he's told me things, but it doesn't all make sense.
[At Eren’s fear Aubrey’s face falls immediately. Even moreso when she moves his hand. That looks… painful…]
It really doesn’t, huh…? [Just like she really, really doesn’t want to go on, about this. But she’s a terrible liar, and she can’t pretend that that Eren was some kind of nightmare, no matter how badly they both want that.]
[A hand rises to her mouth, but not all the way. Look at him, Aubrey tells herself. This is the one you know.] He told me ev— I don’t know, it didn’t make sense. He wanted to crush everything… flat under his heel. [Her voice has gone quiet, now.]
[Eren shakes his head, still flexing his (ostensibly) sore hand. But it’s not that it’s sore now. He’s just remembering what it feels like to bite down…]
That’s…
That can’t be right. No.
[He’s rocked by some wave of emotion. His eyes sharpen into a glare.]
What good would that do? I wouldn’t—-
[He freezes - this, the Eren Aubrey knows. His face falls into something like shock, all ire having vanished. He stares now again at his hands, eyes wide and desperate.
[And he never does quite say “I wouldn’t do that.”]
[She expected this, to a degree. The anger, the denial; it’s better, in a strange way, than his initial questioning, because Aubrey had a feeling this was where it would end up. She was kidding them both, trying to play it off, only making it more confusing…
[Delaying the inevitable. Doesn’t hurt any less to watch.
[It’s why she can’t look away.]
Eren… [Aubrey doesn’t fully understand what he’s talking about; she didn’t expect to. The not-yet-monster whines, not sure why his mind is frenzied—or so she assumes.] It— it’s not a given. It’s some stupid vision.
[Aubrey tries to interrupt but her voice falters; because if she said it didn’t feel like a memory, so visceral and true that she’s holding herself to keep looking because she’s seen what happens if she doesn’t—
[She can’t kid them both like that. That’s why she’s here at all, isn’t it?]
Eren, no. [Aubrey tries to make herself sound firmer, more resolute than she feels.] Listen to me— you weren’t the only one who changed. And I know it doesn’t have to end like that. Just—[She risks reaching out.] S-stay with me, alright?
[If only that were something he could do. This place - whatever place this is - it isn't that place, that cruel world.
[It's not that Eren wants to abandon them - his friends, his comrades, Paradis. But here, where there's no war, or titans, or memories of the future...Could anyone really blame him for wishing he could stay?
[It still isn't freedom, but, at least it's something closer.
[If, in the future, he has to crush the world flat in order to find freedom - God, that feels like a blow right to the gut. Eren sinks in on himself until he's crouching on the ground, heel to ass.]
Whatever I'm planning...it's already been set in motion. But I didn't...I didn't think I'd have to--
I just...[He squeezes his eyes shut tight, tight, tight, like he could disappear if he made the world dark enough.]
[She stops herself before that gets louder. There’s an old wound of Aubrey’s being dug at here—of friends giving up, drifting, closing in on themselves until there’s nothing left to salvage.
[Or so it felt. Years ago this might’ve made her give up on Eren, too.
[That’s not an option she’ll let herself entertain, anymore.]
[Aubrey kneels down in front of him, and tries to take his hand in both of hers. It’s uncharacteristically bold, but she can’t afford not to reach out—not with the alternative bleeding pitch through the floorboards. (Even if he rejects this, she’ll stay there.)]
Eren… [Her voice is calm, but there’s something almost artificial to it. Detached, even. Like if she let anything else through, it’d all be over.]
[Is she scared of him? In another timeline, sure. But the fear is different, in this one—she’s afraid for him. For what this distress could drive him to; for what he could become.
[Aubrey hates to see him like this. Even more, however, she hates the thought of losing him.]
[And so whether he’d “save” her… it rings strangely hollow. Maybe in another context, that would’ve meant the world. As-is…] I know you would.
[But… does she?]
[”My kin and my kin alone.”
Everything for his friends, after all.]
[If Eren’s paying attention, he’ll notice, for the first time since entry, her eyes leave his face—to his hands, instead, which for the moment her grip stiffens on. It could just as easily feel like a squeeze. But inside, her blood runs cold.]
[How silently gutting, to mourn someone whose pulse is in her palm.]
[Eren squeezes Aubrey's hands back. His heart is racing - his mind is racing. He needs to remember, remember...
[But he can't.]
I just don't understand...why it's come to this...
[How many more people are going to have to die?
[The world, the world, the world. But why? What doesn't he know? What pushes him to that point?
[Surely, he must have a good reason...
[Eren squeezes Aubrey's hands again. The dread pouring over him is thick and oppressive.]
I come from a cruel world...It seems like everything I learn about it just makes everything worse. [Another squeeze. He's not entirely focused on her. His eyes are at their hands again, brow furrowed in thought - or maybe frustration.]
But we were so close...so close to finding something that could help...
[One final squeeze.] The key to freedom. The end of it all...I won't stop searching for that.
[Does she tell him? Eldians, Marleyians… Aubrey isn’t sure if he knows yet, how much he does—maybe this is why she learned. Is there any chance that, learning from a friend instead, he could be swayed?]
[His squeezes feel like a plea; his voice is too resolute. Her heart sinks lower and lower.]
That’s not freedom. [Looking away was a mistake; she can’t, now, face him again. Her head dips and her hands shake, but she doesn’t let go.] Why would you ever think… ending it all…
[It's around this time that Eren notices she isn't looking at him.]
Hey, that's not what I meant! Ending it all--
[He cuts himself off. He squeezes her hands again - hard. His eyes ignite the same way they did when Eren and Aubrey were at the party, talking about Reiner. He doesn't let go of her hands.]
Ending them. All of them. The people who destroyed my home - the monsters that have terrorized my people for a hundred years! And everyone who's responsible for them. [Gripping tighter.] All of them, all of them, all of them!
[His body is trembling, but there's a growl in his throat, an animalistic hiss to his words.]
They'll pay for what they've done. I want them dead! I'll kill them all!
[His grip hurts. His words hurt. He’s not even lashing out at her, but her chest tightens as if he is. And Eren’s trembling fury might be terrifying, if it wasn’t so achingly familiar.]
That's not… freedom… [Aubrey’s voice shakes.] It’s just… it’s vengeance, it’s stupid, it won’t… [But maybe it would, in his world.]
How is that freedom… [It’s barely above a whisper.]
[He shouts at her.] How would you know that anyway?!
You have freedom, you...you have no idea what it's like! All my life, I've been trapped, just waiting around to die like cattle in a pen!
[He releases her hands and jumps up.]
I'm not an animal! I'm a human! Freedom is my birthright - I'll won't stop at anything to get it!
As long as those monsters are around, we'll never find it! I made a vow - I was born into this world with a fight to pick, and I'm gonna win that fight no matter what it takes!
[Now this yelling—almost startling. As soon as Eren lets go she grips at her own hands as if on instinct, not quite having realized how tightly he held them.]
[Aubrey starts to cry—openly, without bothering to hide it—but the tension doesn’t abate. It boils, as Eren yells at her, and she stands even as she shakes. In the back of her mind: She should know better than this. But it’s been years since she took a lecture lying down, and she’s not about to give in again now.]
Y-you know what you are? You’re selfish. [Her fists clench at her sides like she’s trying to draw blood.] You talk like you’re a freedom fighter, but you know what you’ll tell me? [Ah—the implicit acceptance of what he’ll become.] You gave up!
I'm not. And I wouldn't give up - there's no way he told you that.
I've seen the memories. He-- [I. I.I.
[Eren's expression hardens again.]
I know what I'm doing. And if I have decided to do...whatever you're saying it is I do, then...it's what needs to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. Every time.
[Then, with a shake of his head.]
"To rise above monsters, we have to abandon our humanity..."
Of course it horrifies me! [Once again, he's shouting, but this time, it sounds desperate - like a cornered animal, a frightened child.]
All I know is horror! That's what life is, Aubrey! Maybe not for you, but for me, my friends, everyone I love-- Horror? That's what I'm trying to end!
[Eren Jaeger. His ideals are always competing with each other. Sometimes it's "I want to save my family", sometimes it's "I want freedom" - most often, it's "I want revenge". All three can be true at the same time, can't they?]
I'm not giving up on anything. I'm accepting the future for what it is.
I'm trusting myself. I-I'm doing whatever it takes. Stop making me try to doubt myself!
[Thanks, Eren. Under normal circumstances Aubrey wouldn’t be advocating for denialism—but like hell if this situation is anything near normal.]
[She wants to keep being mad at him; it’s hard to, it’s hard not to.] I’m not… saying you shouldn’t.... [Isn’t she, though? If that’s what it leads to?]
You’d just add to it, you idiot. [It’s a sorry attempt.] Why can’t you fight that…?
[Eren stands, stupid and silent, for a long moment, just staring at Aubrey; not the dead-eyed, thousand yard stare of the older Eren. This Eren knows Aubrey. This Eren is Aubrey's friend. And his eyes are pleading.
[And then, they're not. Then, they're just broken.]
Aubrey...[He closes his eyes, just for a moment. There's a terrible weight bearing down, like he's trapped somewhere, and no one can lift away the debris to free him...]
I've done things...you couldn't even imagine...
Add to it...? I already have. I am everyday...
[He shakes his head. His expression deeply pained.]
It's kill or be killed. That's what it always comes down to.
I'm sorry if I made you think I'm a good person. That's never been the case...
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I won't lie to you. That's what I'm trying to say.
Aubrey...
[Why did this happen...? Why can't he have anything?
[His eyes fly open again.]
Look, I don't know what he - what I told you, but whatever it is, you probably know more than I do, so why don't you just come out and say it?
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[So she’s not the only one who doesn’t want to face this, if only for a moment. But not confronting it isn’t an option—or at least not a good one.
[When Eren looks back up, Aubrey almost flinches—but she trusts his honesty. She wants to, at least. Even in… whatever it was she saw, he answered everything.]
And I’m trying to say—you sound like you know what I’m talking about. [There’s an anger, still, but not at him—or herself or the other versions or anyone. (Not that this is clear, from the outside.) What’s going on…?] He called himself the end of the world.
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[Shaking his head:]
No, I don't know - I mean -
[His fists are still clenched. He brings one up to stare at it. He forces the tension to release, then turns his hand around at the wrist, flexes his fingers like his hand is in pain.
[Back to Aubrey.]
No one's ending the world. That's not what I'm after.
And I told you, I don't know any more than you do, maybe less!
I've seen him. He's...he's told me things, but it doesn't all make sense.
[Some of it does.
[Some of it makes a lot of sense.]
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[There… it is....]
[At Eren’s fear Aubrey’s face falls immediately. Even moreso when she moves his hand. That looks… painful…]
It really doesn’t, huh…? [Just like she really, really doesn’t want to go on, about this. But she’s a terrible liar, and she can’t pretend that that Eren was some kind of nightmare, no matter how badly they both want that.]
[A hand rises to her mouth, but not all the way. Look at him, Aubrey tells herself. This is the one you know.] He told me ev— I don’t know, it didn’t make sense. He wanted to crush everything… flat under his heel. [Her voice has gone quiet, now.]
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[Everything…?
[Eren shakes his head, still flexing his (ostensibly) sore hand. But it’s not that it’s sore now. He’s just remembering what it feels like to bite down…]
That’s…
That can’t be right. No.
[He’s rocked by some wave of emotion. His eyes sharpen into a glare.]
What good would that do? I wouldn’t—-
[He freezes - this, the Eren Aubrey knows. His face falls into something like shock, all ire having vanished. He stares now again at his hands, eyes wide and desperate.
[And he never does quite say “I wouldn’t do that.”]
Is that…what it’s going…to take…?
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[She expected this, to a degree. The anger, the denial; it’s better, in a strange way, than his initial questioning, because Aubrey had a feeling this was where it would end up. She was kidding them both, trying to play it off, only making it more confusing…
[Delaying the inevitable. Doesn’t hurt any less to watch.
[It’s why she can’t look away.]
Eren… [Aubrey doesn’t fully understand what he’s talking about; she didn’t expect to. The not-yet-monster whines, not sure why his mind is frenzied—or so she assumes.] It— it’s not a given. It’s some stupid vision.
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[Eren shakes his head, still staring at his hands.]
It's more than that, they're...they're not visions, they're memories. I can't always see them, but what I have seen...
[He interrupts himself:] But, if you saw him, and that's what he told you, then...then that means...
[His head snaps up to look at Aubrey, and it's rightfully horrified.]
This is how it has to be. Th-this is the only option!
[The voice of someone who doesn't want to believe what they're saying - but does.]
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[This, however, was not expected.
[Aubrey tries to interrupt but her voice falters; because if she said it didn’t feel like a memory, so visceral and true that she’s holding herself to keep looking because she’s seen what happens if she doesn’t—
[She can’t kid them both like that. That’s why she’s here at all, isn’t it?]
Eren, no. [Aubrey tries to make herself sound firmer, more resolute than she feels.] Listen to me— you weren’t the only one who changed. And I know it doesn’t have to end like that. Just—[She risks reaching out.] S-stay with me, alright?
[Don’t change like that.]
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[If only that were something he could do. This place - whatever place this is - it isn't that place, that cruel world.
[It's not that Eren wants to abandon them - his friends, his comrades, Paradis. But here, where there's no war, or titans, or memories of the future...Could anyone really blame him for wishing he could stay?
[It still isn't freedom, but, at least it's something closer.
[If, in the future, he has to crush the world flat in order to find freedom - God, that feels like a blow right to the gut. Eren sinks in on himself until he's crouching on the ground, heel to ass.]
Whatever I'm planning...it's already been set in motion. But I didn't...I didn't think I'd have to--
I just...[He squeezes his eyes shut tight, tight, tight, like he could disappear if he made the world dark enough.]
I just...want...freedom...
trips, bonus tag falls out of pocket
You don’t have to, that’s what I’m saying—
[She stops herself before that gets louder. There’s an old wound of Aubrey’s being dug at here—of friends giving up, drifting, closing in on themselves until there’s nothing left to salvage.
[Or so it felt. Years ago this might’ve made her give up on Eren, too.
[That’s not an option she’ll let herself entertain, anymore.]
[Aubrey kneels down in front of him, and tries to take his hand in both of hers. It’s uncharacteristically bold, but she can’t afford not to reach out—not with the alternative bleeding pitch through the floorboards. (Even if he rejects this, she’ll stay there.)]
Eren… [Her voice is calm, but there’s something almost artificial to it. Detached, even. Like if she let anything else through, it’d all be over.]
[What’s there left to say.]
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[’Don’t tell anyone I was crying, okay?’]
Aubrey…
[They’re friends. They’re friends, and she’s scared, and it’s him she’s scared of.
[Maybe she should be.]
You’re my friend. I wouldn’t hurt you, okay?
[He can’t tell if he’s lying.
[He can’t tell if he’s lying.]
No! Even…even if it did come to that, I’d…I’d save you.
[Just like he’ll “save” the people who are begging him to stop The Rumbling.
[Eren Jaeger is, as it turns out, still Eren Jaeger. And it seems that, despite everything, he’s already started adjusting to this new idea…]
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[Is she scared of him? In another timeline, sure. But the fear is different, in this one—she’s afraid for him. For what this distress could drive him to; for what he could become.
[Aubrey hates to see him like this. Even more, however, she hates the thought of losing him.]
[And so whether he’d “save” her… it rings strangely hollow. Maybe in another context, that would’ve meant the world. As-is…] I know you would.
[But… does she?]
[”My kin and my kin alone.”
Everything for his friends, after all.]
[If Eren’s paying attention, he’ll notice, for the first time since entry, her eyes leave his face—to his hands, instead, which for the moment her grip stiffens on. It could just as easily feel like a squeeze. But inside, her blood runs cold.]
[How silently gutting, to mourn someone whose pulse is in her palm.]
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[But he can't.]
I just don't understand...why it's come to this...
[How many more people are going to have to die?
[The world, the world, the world. But why? What doesn't he know? What pushes him to that point?
[Surely, he must have a good reason...
[Eren squeezes Aubrey's hands again. The dread pouring over him is thick and oppressive.]
I come from a cruel world...It seems like everything I learn about it just makes everything worse. [Another squeeze. He's not entirely focused on her. His eyes are at their hands again, brow furrowed in thought - or maybe frustration.]
But we were so close...so close to finding something that could help...
[One final squeeze.] The key to freedom. The end of it all...I won't stop searching for that.
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[Does she tell him? Eldians, Marleyians… Aubrey isn’t sure if he knows yet, how much he does—maybe this is why she learned. Is there any chance that, learning from a friend instead, he could be swayed?]
[His squeezes feel like a plea; his voice is too resolute. Her heart sinks lower and lower.]
That’s not freedom. [Looking away was a mistake; she can’t, now, face him again. Her head dips and her hands shake, but she doesn’t let go.] Why would you ever think… ending it all…
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Hey, that's not what I meant! Ending it all--
[He cuts himself off. He squeezes her hands again - hard. His eyes ignite the same way they did when Eren and Aubrey were at the party, talking about Reiner. He doesn't let go of her hands.]
Ending them. All of them. The people who destroyed my home - the monsters that have terrorized my people for a hundred years! And everyone who's responsible for them. [Gripping tighter.] All of them, all of them, all of them!
[His body is trembling, but there's a growl in his throat, an animalistic hiss to his words.]
They'll pay for what they've done. I want them dead! I'll kill them all!
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[His grip hurts. His words hurt. He’s not even lashing out at her, but her chest tightens as if he is. And Eren’s trembling fury might be terrifying, if it wasn’t so achingly familiar.]
That's not… freedom… [Aubrey’s voice shakes.] It’s just… it’s vengeance, it’s stupid, it won’t… [But maybe it would, in his world.]
How is that freedom… [It’s barely above a whisper.]
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[He shouts at her.] How would you know that anyway?!
You have freedom, you...you have no idea what it's like! All my life, I've been trapped, just waiting around to die like cattle in a pen!
[He releases her hands and jumps up.]
I'm not an animal! I'm a human! Freedom is my birthright - I'll won't stop at anything to get it!
As long as those monsters are around, we'll never find it! I made a vow - I was born into this world with a fight to pick, and I'm gonna win that fight no matter what it takes!
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[Now this yelling—almost startling. As soon as Eren lets go she grips at her own hands as if on instinct, not quite having realized how tightly he held them.]
[Aubrey starts to cry—openly, without bothering to hide it—but the tension doesn’t abate. It boils, as Eren yells at her, and she stands even as she shakes. In the back of her mind: She should know better than this. But it’s been years since she took a lecture lying down, and she’s not about to give in again now.]
Y-you know what you are? You’re selfish. [Her fists clench at her sides like she’s trying to draw blood.] You talk like you’re a freedom fighter, but you know what you’ll tell me? [Ah—the implicit acceptance of what he’ll become.] You gave up!
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Gave up?
I would never do that. Never!
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[Oh, she wishes she was.]
The Eren I talked to… he would’ve said that, too. But morality didn’t [doesn’t?] matter to him anymore.
He— [Some—but not by any means all—of the fury drains.] He’s a coward.
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He's not.
I'm not. And I wouldn't give up - there's no way he told you that.
I've seen the memories. He-- [I. I. I.
[Eren's expression hardens again.]
I know what I'm doing. And if I have decided to do...whatever you're saying it is I do, then...it's what needs to be done. And I will do what needs to be done. Every time.
[Then, with a shake of his head.]
"To rise above monsters, we have to abandon our humanity..."
Morality is a joke.
eren “chicken little” jaeger.......
Stop talking like that.
[She steps closer to him—and for what, to grab him, shake him, shove him? For now, the glare, however distraught, holds.]
Doesn’t that horrify you? You’re— You’re giving up as you speak. [Snarled like an accusation.]
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All I know is horror! That's what life is, Aubrey! Maybe not for you, but for me, my friends, everyone I love-- Horror? That's what I'm trying to end!
[Eren Jaeger. His ideals are always competing with each other. Sometimes it's "I want to save my family", sometimes it's "I want freedom" - most often, it's "I want revenge". All three can be true at the same time, can't they?]
I'm not giving up on anything. I'm accepting the future for what it is.
I'm trusting myself. I-I'm doing whatever it takes. Stop making me try to doubt myself!
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[Right in the heart.]
[Thanks, Eren. Under normal circumstances Aubrey wouldn’t be advocating for denialism—but like hell if this situation is anything near normal.]
[She wants to keep being mad at him; it’s hard to, it’s hard not to.] I’m not… saying you shouldn’t.... [Isn’t she, though? If that’s what it leads to?]
You’d just add to it, you idiot. [It’s a sorry attempt.] Why can’t you fight that…?
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[And then, they're not. Then, they're just broken.]
Aubrey...[He closes his eyes, just for a moment. There's a terrible weight bearing down, like he's trapped somewhere, and no one can lift away the debris to free him...]
I've done things...you couldn't even imagine...
Add to it...? I already have. I am everyday...
[He shakes his head. His expression deeply pained.]
It's kill or be killed. That's what it always comes down to.
I'm sorry if I made you think I'm a good person. That's never been the case...
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