[At the pained hiss, Eren feels irritation. Why canāt she just sit still? A cold breeze through the (suddenly?) shoddy walls makes his hair stand up on his arms and neck.
[His voice comes out sounding accusatory.]
Iām not the one who imagined it.
[Idly, he takes his jacket from the floor and puts it back on, pulling it tightly around himself.
[Oh, great; to add insult to injury, now Erenās mad at her? For what?]
Iām sorry? [Does not sound it. Aubreyās really more confused than anything, butā¦] I just said, I donāt control what this stupid world pulls from. Canāt you justā pretend weāre somewhere else?
[Punctuated by a suppressed shudder, and a tug at the sleeves she doesnāt have. Last she checked it was summer. The jacket got lost in the fray somewhere; it wouldāve gotten in the way of Erenās work anyway, but nowā¦]
[āCanāt you just pretend weāre somewhere else?ā Anxiety creeps up inside of Eren. He remembers early on that trying to transform into the Attack Titan only seemed to work in desperate situations. He figures a similar phenomenon is what brought them here. Now that they are here though, are they able to leave?
[Definitely sounding impatient now:]
You can learn to control it. Thatās what Iāve been trying to tell you.
[However.]
Itās not an exact science.
[Then, with a glance at the door, he tosses her a blanket. The gesture seems a little careless; by its very nature, itās not.
[He rises, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself, and approaches the door. Just as heās about to open it, a wind comes through that rattles the walls of the barracks.
[He peers through one of the too-large cracks in the wood.]
[Aubrey bites back a retort. Because it seems increasingly like she already has controlled it, entirely without tryingāthough she certainly doesnāt remember the wind echoing like that, as if the landscape outside has suddenly become all too vast.]
[She throws the blanket around herself quickly as she can manage, gratefulness for it outweighing any annoyance at the toss. How the hell can Eren get so close to the door with just a jacketā¦?]
āSnowā¦?ā
[Why.]
Definitelyā¦ n-not a science. [Itās a grumbled comment; so much for not shivering. Aubrey is mortified, frankly.] Where are you going?
[Another blast of wind rattles the barracks, howling through every opening. Eren steps away from the door, pulling his jacket around him ever tighter. He canāt remember the last time he felt this cold.]
This isnāt good. What are you imagining? Control your thoughts.
[As if he himself wasnāt thinking of the frigid winter where theyād formed a search party.
[He gets back on his knees near Aubrey, pulling the blanket heād been sleeping with around his shoulders. His teeth are starting to chatter. Itās very difficult to picture anything warm.]
[If only shame could warm a room, because Aubrey feels entirely pathetic, shivering and shaking. She just barely hears Erenās first response over the wind, and then said wind whips away any conscious thought about the matter. (There was, perhaps, a weird flash of relief.)]
[When he kneels down again she shifts his way on instinct, not quite making contact but seemingly wanting to. Is it just the contrast or is he actually much warmer?]
[Yet another gust rattles the room before Aubrey pieces together a response.] S-storm. [Obviously. But:] Wasnātā¦ th-this bad. [She canāt quite muster an accusatory tone. Itās getting hard to think about anything, never mind warmth.]
[It would be easy to blame Aubrey for this. The cold is becoming increasingly more aggravating, but ultimately, concern outshines the irritation. Sheās shivering violently, much more so than himself, but he doesnāt trust that that will last.
[She wonāt heal like this.
[Eren snatches another blanket off the ground, the cold assaulting his skin when his jacket opens with the motion. He shudders, throwing the cover over shoulders and head. His body is, indeed, emitting heat as his arms temporarily hover over her body. Aubreyās body heat is noticeable enough itself compared to the rapidly descending temperature in the room.]
Lie down. Cover up.
[The more layers they can bury themselves under, the better. If she does lie down, heāll continue to throw covers over her. Every time he hovers closer to her, his body heat radiates from him. Heās aware of the possibility that heāll need to utilize it if things donāt heat up soon - and heās not faithful they will, even ifā]
[Aubrey only somewhat registers Erenās motion before she gets a face full of blanket. Which, alright, fine, that works. Hell with looking like a sorry little thing, and to hell with this world that apparently wants to finish killing her. Itās so goddamn cold.]
[She follows Erenās initial command without question, curling on her side and tugging the onslaught of covers close. It is marginally less cold. Whatād he say now, āwarmā? Something under his breath? Itās hard to be indignant when her teeth are chattering this much.]
[Heat and beach and summer could not feel further away; theyāre a distant fantasy, inasmuch they occur to Aubrey at all. Erenās going to run himself ragged again because she canāt pretend hard enough this time, andā Damn it.]
[She juts one hand out from under the pile; shaking, red with chill, but she tries her best to curl her fingers in a silent beckonāYou. Come in. Donāt freeze out there.]
[Eren Jaeger is nothing if not stubborn, and it does occur to him first that Aubrey might be reaching for him for his own safety. This is a man whoās always hated it when others try to care for him. But then it occurs to him that sheās reaching for him for a different reason. Sheās trembling so badly, and heās only marginally better. Sheāll be warmer - much so - if he gets closer. The fact that heāll be warmer too is incidental.
[Heās not terribly keen on the idea of cuddling up with anyone, but the louder the wind howls and the barracks rattles, the less it seems like he has a choice.
[He relents, lifting the blankets as briefly as he can and lying down beside Aubrey. Beneath the covers, even he can feel the heat of his body being forced back over them. He doesnāt put his arms around Aubrey, but scoots in close. He pulls the blankets over both their heads; darkness. He can hear them both - their breathing, their chattering teeth.]
[Itās amazing what desperation can make people do. Like diving headlong into the abyss to get away from someone, only to grab his wrist and cry for him like heās the only lifeline she has left. And now, initiating the most horrifying thing of all (or so itās become, years removed from that youthful tangle): lying next to someone. Inches away, even.]
[But damn if the relief isnāt immediate. Aubrey covers her face to muffle the sigh, shaky as it remains, and because (of course!) sheās facing Eren. Sure, itās dark under here, and she spent god knows how long staring at him before he woke up, but suddenly looking his way would be too much.
[Her priorities are so fucked.]
[Aubrey doesnāt fully stop shivering, but with each passing breath it subsides a little more; from something toeing hypothermia to a somewhat-tolerable chill. Sheās not so far gone sheād prefer the thought-freezing scramble, of course. But thereās something stifling about this, too; quiet, unbearably close. She is much, much more aware of Erenās breathing, his own shiver, and overall indomitable presence than she wants to be.
[He actually seems to be radiating heat.]
H-howā¦ the hellā¦ [Just to hear something besides him.]
[Their hideaway is an echo chamber. Hearing Aubreyās voice this close to his ears feels profoundly wrong. Eren isnāt stupid, and the way heās treated Aubrey has not been unintentional - that is to say, the only parts you could argue were unintentional were the kind ones. They shouldnāt be this close. She shouldnāt trust him like this. Why does that bother him?]
My bodyā¦[He pauses to shiver, his own voice too loud in his ears.]
I generate more heat. The t-titan.
[The warmth is welcome, of course, but Eren senses it will be short-lived. Even as they lie here, the temperature is dropping.]
[Talking was a mistake. Hearing him close as he dressed her wound was easy enough to dismiss; this, less. If not for said wound Aubrey would have turned her back to him. Of all things, trust isnāt on her mind at allāif only because she hasnāt stopped to question it. The situation hasnāt really allowed it.
[He said he wouldnāt let her die; he hasnāt. Heās gone out of his way to make sure she doesnāt. Thatās all she needs, here. Everything else can weigh down later.]
[The titan bit, for instance? Sure. Heat wave. Giant monster transformation. Why not. Makes as much sense as anything else, here. But maybe she should be more skeptical, because the temperatureās still falling....]
[Fine. Voice is a distraction.] H. Hey. [Great, not the teeth chattering again....] Th-think ofā¦ anywhere else, yet?
[But heās not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth heās imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadetsā barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[Thereās a vivid image in Erenās mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyoneās soul. Itās late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braunās arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[āGotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,ā his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, theyāre both shivering.
[āIāll die from youā oofā cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.ā
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Erenās scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - itās too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[āIs this shitā¦e-ever gonna let up?ā Eren asks.
[āWhat, you donāt want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?ā
[Another blast of cold sends Erenās face burrowing into Reinerās chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Erenās back.
[Itās not just a fond memory. Itās warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, āIād do anything to be like him. This is my hero.ā
[But thereās a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. Heās reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, sheāll see what heās seen.]
[āIām trying.ā Thereās a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesnāt need to see to feel, a spike of heatāand then he grabs her.]
[Itās a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesnāt matter, in this momentājust him. A parallel that runs deep as blood youāve spilled, deeperāirreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[Heās everything you want to be. Heās everything you canāt be. And neither of you can go home.
[Heās hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you donāt care, that the mere thought of this man doesnāt leave you floundering, gasping, fallingāyour world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And heās hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you canāt move and youāre trembling, reeling, and he wouldnāt do that to you but he would, wouldnāt he? Heās impossibly warm. Heāll be the death ofā
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Reinā e-Erā [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizableāAubreyās, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes donāt feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but itās her body, isnāt it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
[It happens quickly. Eren loses himself, he puts his arms around Aubrey, a few silent moments pass, and then, sheās screaming. Eren jolts away from her, genuinely startled by the sudden shrieking. He releases her from his grasp, reeling back as far as the tight blanket cocoon will allow (it isnāt far).]
What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what sheās said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He canāt see her, but he can still stare through her.]
[Aubreyās heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she mightāve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesnāt make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt herāat least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and sheās reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laughā¦
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustrationābut itās too loud in here as-is, Erenās breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that yourā? When you touchedā [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
Reiner. [It comes out without thinking. She still sounds furious. Eren knows this, doesnāt he? It was his perspective!] Reiner, holding yā God, you really hate him, donāt you?
[White hot pain flares in Erenās chest, the room spinning even in the darkness. He wants to be far away from Aubrey. Fuck, he barely feels the cold - until he throws the blanket off himself and truly feels it. He can only handle it for a few seconds before heās throwing the blanket back over himself, moving as far away from her as possible - but he canāt go too far. They both need the body heat. He feels like heās going to explode.
[āYou really hate him, donāt you?ā
[His voice comes out loud and impatient - more than impatient. Usually it hovers somewhere in between apathetic and impassioned with rage, but Eren sounds very human - frustrated, scared, ragged.]
What the fuck is going on?
[He wants to go home, but home drove a stake right through his black heart.
[Home? Home? No, Reiner isnāt home. He was never home. He destroyed your home. Your mother is dead because of him.
[He leaves. He returns. Here they are, together again, and sheās never heard Eren like this before.]
I donāt know! [The frustration lingers as everābut itās not with him; Aubrey knows heās not talking to her any more than her to him. And she knows that tone, if not from Eren (never, before, from Eren)ācornered. Trapped. Terrified.]
I donātā¦ [Quieter, this time. Still shaking.] I donāt know. [She thinks theyāve died and gone to hell.]
[She wonāt ask. The fury dissipates, and the weight in Aubreyās chest sinks deeper, heavier still.]
[She doesnāt want him to start shaking again.
[Maybe....]
[Aubrey closes her eyes, takes in a slow, unsteady breath.]
Hey. [Just a whisper, to let him know.]
[Tentatively, with one hand, she reaches out.
[And if Eren will allow it, sheāll rest her hand wherever it landsāhis arm, his chest, his faceāand leave it there, as she remembers something else.]
[The combination of the cold and the memory, sharp as a knife, leave Eren floundering for anything he can grasp onto. He hates to feel out of control like this. He hates to feel at all. He wants it to end - just let it end! He's too overwhelmed to reject Aubrey's touch outright. He allows her to place her cold hand on his face, which is burning even warmer than the rest of his body. He flinches a bit, confused and surprised by the touch, but he doesn't fight back - at least, not right away.
[He's so rarely touched these days. It's almost grounding; that, and the closer she gets - the closer they are - the warmer it feels. The temperature in the room is all but maddening. Maybe this truly is hell.
[His own voice is quiet - somewhat stunned, even, or maybe just resigned, tired.]
[Itās not immediate. Unlike Erenās sharp grasp, Aubreyās memory takes a moment to settleāand when it sets in, itās not a grab but a gentle breeze.]
[Thereās less sight than sensation. Dappled sun through the trees, leaves rustling a lullaby. The earth is soft beneath the picnic basket, and Aubrey is tiredānot at all from strain or stress, but because sheās spent the morning running around with friendsāKel, Sunny, Basil. Kelās puppy Hector has chased them (or theyāve chased him?) all around the lakeside, yipping and prancing all the way, and theyāve settled back with the older kids, Hero and Mari, for a quick nap before going home.
[Aubrey has nearly fallen asleep, but not yet. Mari is laughing; a quiet, perfect sound that Aubrey will never get tired of hearing. Hero, on one side of Mari, mustāve said something funny; heās always so cheesy. And although Sunny is curled up on his sisterās lap, Mariās other side is open for Aubrey to lean on. Itās a nice rest.
[She feels warm. She feels safe. She feels cared for, deeply and wholly. Itās a rare feeling. Mari strokes lithe fingers through the girlās hair, and Aubrey drifts off to a calming hum.]
[Thereās a sadness here, of course. The memory is all the more precious because this was one of the last they had, by the lake. And there was a time when the apparent defacement of this moment sent Aubrey spiraling, almost worse than the news that Mari would do such a terrible thing to herself, because something about the marks made the loss all the more realā
[But that was years ago. Sometimes Aubrey thinks she only held onto that searing rage because she had nothing else. The pictures are okay now, even if their taker isnāt; and the flame has subsided to a glowing ember, a candle in the storm. Itās a melancholy, bittersweet thing, now. Only love remains. She wonāt let it die.]
[She hopes, grief-tinged as it may be, that the memory brings some peace to Eren, too.]
Edited (teeny little phrasing tweaks) 2023-09-26 17:24 (UTC)
[Eren slips deep into the memory before he can realize what's happening. As it plays out in his mind (His mind? Why?), he can't even think to question it. He feels it everywhere. The warmth of the sun on his skin, a shoulder to rest on, the ease of sleep slowly creeping in.
[It's such a peaceful thing, such a simple joy. The real Eren closes his eyes, and the Eren living in the memory does too. The gentle hum holds him like a pair of arms, soothing and safe. When's the last time he felt something like this? He can't even stop to question it. It feels so real - a longing, satisfied. There's a sadness, but that's nothing Eren isn't used to. It isn't so severe. The feeling of peace endures; peace and friendship, a love so natural and easy that it's impossible to doubt. Eren knows that feeling very well. Kel, Sunny, Basil, Mari, Hero - he'd do anything for any one of them.
[For any one of...who, again? Those names don't seem quite right, but...he's certain...
[When Aubrey takes her hand away, Eren will feel heavy like stone, and calm like the feeling of his head in his mother's lap. He's staring at Aubrey through the darkness, though he can't see her. The cold is still biting, and there are tears freezing on his cheeks, but he almost doesn't mind. Reiner is the farthest thing from his mind, suddenly, almost as if he'd never known him at all.
[He doesn't know what to say. He feels like a kid again; young, before the walls came down. His voice is very, very soft, and exceptionally genuine, considering who's talking.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His voice comes out sounding accusatory.]
Iām not the one who imagined it.
[Idly, he takes his jacket from the floor and puts it back on, pulling it tightly around himself.
[Whatās happening here?]
no subject
[Oh, great; to add insult to injury, now Erenās mad at her? For what?]
Iām sorry? [Does not sound it. Aubreyās really more confused than anything, butā¦] I just said, I donāt control what this stupid world pulls from. Canāt you justā pretend weāre somewhere else?
[Punctuated by a suppressed shudder, and a tug at the sleeves she doesnāt have. Last she checked it was summer. The jacket got lost in the fray somewhere; it wouldāve gotten in the way of Erenās work anyway, but nowā¦]
no subject
[Definitely sounding impatient now:]
You can learn to control it. Thatās what Iāve been trying to tell you.
[However.]
Itās not an exact science.
[Then, with a glance at the door, he tosses her a blanket. The gesture seems a little careless; by its very nature, itās not.
[He rises, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself, and approaches the door. Just as heās about to open it, a wind comes through that rattles the walls of the barracks.
[He peers through one of the too-large cracks in the wood.]
Snowā¦?
no subject
[Aubrey bites back a retort. Because it seems increasingly like she already has controlled it, entirely without tryingāthough she certainly doesnāt remember the wind echoing like that, as if the landscape outside has suddenly become all too vast.]
[She throws the blanket around herself quickly as she can manage, gratefulness for it outweighing any annoyance at the toss. How the hell can Eren get so close to the door with just a jacketā¦?]
āSnowā¦?ā
[Why.]
Definitelyā¦ n-not a science. [Itās a grumbled comment; so much for not shivering. Aubrey is mortified, frankly.] Where are you going?
no subject
Iām not leaving.
[Another blast of wind rattles the barracks, howling through every opening. Eren steps away from the door, pulling his jacket around him ever tighter. He canāt remember the last time he felt this cold.]
This isnāt good. What are you imagining? Control your thoughts.
[As if he himself wasnāt thinking of the frigid winter where theyād formed a search party.
[He gets back on his knees near Aubrey, pulling the blanket heād been sleeping with around his shoulders. His teeth are starting to chatter. Itās very difficult to picture anything warm.]
no subject
[If only shame could warm a room, because Aubrey feels entirely pathetic, shivering and shaking. She just barely hears Erenās first response over the wind, and then said wind whips away any conscious thought about the matter. (There was, perhaps, a weird flash of relief.)]
[When he kneels down again she shifts his way on instinct, not quite making contact but seemingly wanting to. Is it just the contrast or is he actually much warmer?]
[Yet another gust rattles the room before Aubrey pieces together a response.] S-storm. [Obviously. But:] Wasnātā¦ th-this bad. [She canāt quite muster an accusatory tone. Itās getting hard to think about anything, never mind warmth.]
no subject
[She wonāt heal like this.
[Eren snatches another blanket off the ground, the cold assaulting his skin when his jacket opens with the motion. He shudders, throwing the cover over shoulders and head. His body is, indeed, emitting heat as his arms temporarily hover over her body. Aubreyās body heat is noticeable enough itself compared to the rapidly descending temperature in the room.]
Lie down. Cover up.
[The more layers they can bury themselves under, the better. If she does lie down, heāll continue to throw covers over her. Every time he hovers closer to her, his body heat radiates from him. Heās aware of the possibility that heāll need to utilize it if things donāt heat up soon - and heās not faithful they will, even ifā]
Think of somewhere warm. Th-think hardā- Shit.
no subject
[Aubrey only somewhat registers Erenās motion before she gets a face full of blanket. Which, alright, fine, that works. Hell with looking like a sorry little thing, and to hell with this world that apparently wants to finish killing her. Itās so goddamn cold.]
[She follows Erenās initial command without question, curling on her side and tugging the onslaught of covers close. It is marginally less cold. Whatād he say now, āwarmā? Something under his breath? Itās hard to be indignant when her teeth are chattering this much.]
[Heat and beach and summer could not feel further away; theyāre a distant fantasy, inasmuch they occur to Aubrey at all. Erenās going to run himself ragged again because she canāt pretend hard enough this time, andā Damn it.]
[She juts one hand out from under the pile; shaking, red with chill, but she tries her best to curl her fingers in a silent beckonāYou. Come in. Donāt freeze out there.]
no subject
[Heās not terribly keen on the idea of cuddling up with anyone, but the louder the wind howls and the barracks rattles, the less it seems like he has a choice.
[He relents, lifting the blankets as briefly as he can and lying down beside Aubrey. Beneath the covers, even he can feel the heat of his body being forced back over them. He doesnāt put his arms around Aubrey, but scoots in close. He pulls the blankets over both their heads; darkness. He can hear them both - their breathing, their chattering teeth.]
no subject
[Itās amazing what desperation can make people do. Like diving headlong into the abyss to get away from someone, only to grab his wrist and cry for him like heās the only lifeline she has left. And now, initiating the most horrifying thing of all (or so itās become, years removed from that youthful tangle): lying next to someone. Inches away, even.]
[But damn if the relief isnāt immediate. Aubrey covers her face to muffle the sigh, shaky as it remains, and because (of course!) sheās facing Eren. Sure, itās dark under here, and she spent god knows how long staring at him before he woke up, but suddenly looking his way would be too much.
[Her priorities are so fucked.]
[Aubrey doesnāt fully stop shivering, but with each passing breath it subsides a little more; from something toeing hypothermia to a somewhat-tolerable chill. Sheās not so far gone sheād prefer the thought-freezing scramble, of course. But thereās something stifling about this, too; quiet, unbearably close. She is much, much more aware of Erenās breathing, his own shiver, and overall indomitable presence than she wants to be.
[He actually seems to be radiating heat.]
H-howā¦ the hellā¦ [Just to hear something besides him.]
no subject
My bodyā¦[He pauses to shiver, his own voice too loud in his ears.]
I generate more heat. The t-titan.
[The warmth is welcome, of course, but Eren senses it will be short-lived. Even as they lie here, the temperature is dropping.]
Stay closeā¦
no subject
[Talking was a mistake. Hearing him close as he dressed her wound was easy enough to dismiss; this, less. If not for said wound Aubrey would have turned her back to him. Of all things, trust isnāt on her mind at allāif only because she hasnāt stopped to question it. The situation hasnāt really allowed it.
[He said he wouldnāt let her die; he hasnāt. Heās gone out of his way to make sure she doesnāt. Thatās all she needs, here. Everything else can weigh down later.]
[The titan bit, for instance? Sure. Heat wave. Giant monster transformation. Why not. Makes as much sense as anything else, here. But maybe she should be more skeptical, because the temperatureās still falling....]
[Fine. Voice is a distraction.] H. Hey. [Great, not the teeth chattering again....] Th-think ofā¦ anywhere else, yet?
no subject
Iām trying.
[But heās not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth heās imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadetsā barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[Thereās a vivid image in Erenās mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyoneās soul. Itās late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braunās arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[āGotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,ā his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, theyāre both shivering.
[āIāll die from youā oofā cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.ā
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Erenās scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - itās too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[āIs this shitā¦e-ever gonna let up?ā Eren asks.
[āWhat, you donāt want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?ā
[Another blast of cold sends Erenās face burrowing into Reinerās chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Erenās back.
[Itās not just a fond memory. Itās warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, āIād do anything to be like him. This is my hero.ā
[But thereās a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. Heās reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, sheāll see what heās seen.]
no subject
[āIām trying.ā Thereās a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesnāt need to see to feel, a spike of heatāand then he grabs her.]
[Itās a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesnāt matter, in this momentājust him. A parallel that runs deep as blood youāve spilled, deeperāirreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[Heās everything you want to be. Heās everything you canāt be. And neither of you can go home.
[Heās hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you donāt care, that the mere thought of this man doesnāt leave you floundering, gasping, fallingāyour world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And heās hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you canāt move and youāre trembling, reeling, and he wouldnāt do that to you but he would, wouldnāt he? Heās impossibly warm. Heāll be the death ofā
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Reinā e-Erā [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizableāAubreyās, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes donāt feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but itās her body, isnāt it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
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What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what sheās said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He canāt see her, but he can still stare through her.]
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[Aubreyās heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she mightāve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesnāt make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt herāat least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and sheās reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laughā¦
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustrationābut itās too loud in here as-is, Erenās breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that yourā? When you touchedā [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
What were you thinking?!
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Answer me, Aubrey.
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Reiner. [It comes out without thinking. She still sounds furious. Eren knows this, doesnāt he? It was his perspective!] Reiner, holding yā God, you really hate him, donāt you?
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[āHolding you.ā
[White hot pain flares in Erenās chest, the room spinning even in the darkness. He wants to be far away from Aubrey. Fuck, he barely feels the cold - until he throws the blanket off himself and truly feels it. He can only handle it for a few seconds before heās throwing the blanket back over himself, moving as far away from her as possible - but he canāt go too far. They both need the body heat. He feels like heās going to explode.
[āYou really hate him, donāt you?ā
[His voice comes out loud and impatient - more than impatient. Usually it hovers somewhere in between apathetic and impassioned with rage, but Eren sounds very human - frustrated, scared, ragged.]
What the fuck is going on?
[He wants to go home, but home drove a stake right through his black heart.
[Home? Home? No, Reiner isnāt home. He was never home. He destroyed your home. Your mother is dead because of him.
[Eren hasnāt felt like crying in a long time.]
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[He leaves. He returns. Here they are, together again, and sheās never heard Eren like this before.]
I donāt know! [The frustration lingers as everābut itās not with him; Aubrey knows heās not talking to her any more than her to him. And she knows that tone, if not from Eren (never, before, from Eren)ācornered. Trapped. Terrified.]
I donātā¦ [Quieter, this time. Still shaking.] I donāt know. [She thinks theyāve died and gone to hell.]
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[Eren sucks in a shaking breath, coated in emotion. Might as well, right? Aubrey knows everything there fucking is to know at this point.
[This damned place. This goddamned place.]
I w-wonātā [Teeth chattering again - or is it something else?] F-for fucks sake.
I wonāt talk about this anymore. I w-wonāt.
[His voice cracks - just a little bit.]
Donāt ask me.
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[. . . Ah.]
[She wonāt ask. The fury dissipates, and the weight in Aubreyās chest sinks deeper, heavier still.]
[She doesnāt want him to start shaking again.
[Maybe....]
[Aubrey closes her eyes, takes in a slow, unsteady breath.]
Hey. [Just a whisper, to let him know.]
[Tentatively, with one hand, she reaches out.
[And if Eren will allow it, sheāll rest her hand wherever it landsāhis arm, his chest, his faceāand leave it there, as she remembers something else.]
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[He's so rarely touched these days. It's almost grounding; that, and the closer she gets - the closer they are - the warmer it feels. The temperature in the room is all but maddening. Maybe this truly is hell.
[His own voice is quiet - somewhat stunned, even, or maybe just resigned, tired.]
What?
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[Itās not immediate. Unlike Erenās sharp grasp, Aubreyās memory takes a moment to settleāand when it sets in, itās not a grab but a gentle breeze.]
[Thereās less sight than sensation. Dappled sun through the trees, leaves rustling a lullaby. The earth is soft beneath the picnic basket, and Aubrey is tiredānot at all from strain or stress, but because sheās spent the morning running around with friendsāKel, Sunny, Basil. Kelās puppy Hector has chased them (or theyāve chased him?) all around the lakeside, yipping and prancing all the way, and theyāve settled back with the older kids, Hero and Mari, for a quick nap before going home.
[Aubrey has nearly fallen asleep, but not yet. Mari is laughing; a quiet, perfect sound that Aubrey will never get tired of hearing. Hero, on one side of Mari, mustāve said something funny; heās always so cheesy. And although Sunny is curled up on his sisterās lap, Mariās other side is open for Aubrey to lean on. Itās a nice rest.
[She feels warm. She feels safe. She feels cared for, deeply and wholly. Itās a rare feeling. Mari strokes lithe fingers through the girlās hair, and Aubrey drifts off to a calming hum.]
[Thereās a sadness here, of course. The memory is all the more precious because this was one of the last they had, by the lake. And there was a time when the apparent defacement of this moment sent Aubrey spiraling, almost worse than the news that Mari would do such a terrible thing to herself, because something about the marks made the loss all the more realā
[But that was years ago. Sometimes Aubrey thinks she only held onto that searing rage because she had nothing else. The pictures are okay now, even if their taker isnāt; and the flame has subsided to a glowing ember, a candle in the storm. Itās a melancholy, bittersweet thing, now. Only love remains. She wonāt let it die.]
[She hopes, grief-tinged as it may be, that the memory brings some peace to Eren, too.]
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[It's such a peaceful thing, such a simple joy. The real Eren closes his eyes, and the Eren living in the memory does too. The gentle hum holds him like a pair of arms, soothing and safe. When's the last time he felt something like this? He can't even stop to question it. It feels so real - a longing, satisfied. There's a sadness, but that's nothing Eren isn't used to. It isn't so severe. The feeling of peace endures; peace and friendship, a love so natural and easy that it's impossible to doubt. Eren knows that feeling very well. Kel, Sunny, Basil, Mari, Hero - he'd do anything for any one of them.
[For any one of...who, again? Those names don't seem quite right, but...he's certain...
[When Aubrey takes her hand away, Eren will feel heavy like stone, and calm like the feeling of his head in his mother's lap. He's staring at Aubrey through the darkness, though he can't see her. The cold is still biting, and there are tears freezing on his cheeks, but he almost doesn't mind. Reiner is the farthest thing from his mind, suddenly, almost as if he'd never known him at all.
[He doesn't know what to say. He feels like a kid again; young, before the walls came down. His voice is very, very soft, and exceptionally genuine, considering who's talking.]
What was that...?
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