[But he’s not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth he’s imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadets’ barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[There’s a vivid image in Eren’s mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyone’s soul. It’s late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braun’s arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[”Gotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,” his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, they’re both shivering.
[”I’ll die from you— oof— cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.”
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Eren’s scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - it’s too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[”Is this shit…e-ever gonna let up?” Eren asks.
[”What, you don’t want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?”
[Another blast of cold sends Eren’s face burrowing into Reiner’s chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Eren’s back.
[It’s not just a fond memory. It’s warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, “I’d do anything to be like him. This is my hero.”
[But there’s a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. He’s reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, she’ll see what he’s seen.]
[“I’m trying.” There’s a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesn’t need to see to feel, a spike of heat—and then he grabs her.]
[It’s a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesn’t matter, in this moment—just him. A parallel that runs deep as blood you’ve spilled, deeper—irreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[He’s everything you want to be. He’s everything you can’t be. And neither of you can go home.
[He’s hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you don’t care, that the mere thought of this man doesn’t leave you floundering, gasping, falling—your world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And he’s hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you can’t move and you’re trembling, reeling, and he wouldn’t do that to you but he would, wouldn’t he? He’s impossibly warm. He’ll be the death of—
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Rein– e-Er— [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizable—Aubrey’s, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes don’t feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but it’s her body, isn’t it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
[It happens quickly. Eren loses himself, he puts his arms around Aubrey, a few silent moments pass, and then, she’s screaming. Eren jolts away from her, genuinely startled by the sudden shrieking. He releases her from his grasp, reeling back as far as the tight blanket cocoon will allow (it isn’t far).]
What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what she’s said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He can’t see her, but he can still stare through her.]
[Aubrey’s heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she might’ve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt her—at least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and she’s reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laugh…
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustration—but it’s too loud in here as-is, Eren’s breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that your—? When you touched— [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
Reiner. [It comes out without thinking. She still sounds furious. Eren knows this, doesn’t he? It was his perspective!] Reiner, holding y— God, you really hate him, don’t you?
[White hot pain flares in Eren’s chest, the room spinning even in the darkness. He wants to be far away from Aubrey. Fuck, he barely feels the cold - until he throws the blanket off himself and truly feels it. He can only handle it for a few seconds before he’s throwing the blanket back over himself, moving as far away from her as possible - but he can’t go too far. They both need the body heat. He feels like he’s going to explode.
[”You really hate him, don’t you?”
[His voice comes out loud and impatient - more than impatient. Usually it hovers somewhere in between apathetic and impassioned with rage, but Eren sounds very human - frustrated, scared, ragged.]
What the fuck is going on?
[He wants to go home, but home drove a stake right through his black heart.
[Home? Home? No, Reiner isn’t home. He was never home. He destroyed your home. Your mother is dead because of him.
[He leaves. He returns. Here they are, together again, and she’s never heard Eren like this before.]
I don’t know! [The frustration lingers as ever—but it’s not with him; Aubrey knows he’s not talking to her any more than her to him. And she knows that tone, if not from Eren (never, before, from Eren)—cornered. Trapped. Terrified.]
I don’t… [Quieter, this time. Still shaking.] I don’t know. [She thinks they’ve died and gone to hell.]
[The combination of the cold and the memory, sharp as a knife, leave Eren floundering for anything he can grasp onto. He hates to feel out of control like this. He hates to feel at all. He wants it to end - just let it end! He's too overwhelmed to reject Aubrey's touch outright. He allows her to place her cold hand on his face, which is burning even warmer than the rest of his body. He flinches a bit, confused and surprised by the touch, but he doesn't fight back - at least, not right away.
[He's so rarely touched these days. It's almost grounding; that, and the closer she gets - the closer they are - the warmer it feels. The temperature in the room is all but maddening. Maybe this truly is hell.
[His own voice is quiet - somewhat stunned, even, or maybe just resigned, tired.]
[It’s not immediate. Unlike Eren’s sharp grasp, Aubrey’s memory takes a moment to settle—and when it sets in, it’s not a grab but a gentle breeze.]
[There’s less sight than sensation. Dappled sun through the trees, leaves rustling a lullaby. The earth is soft beneath the picnic basket, and Aubrey is tired—not at all from strain or stress, but because she’s spent the morning running around with friends—Kel, Sunny, Basil. Kel’s puppy Hector has chased them (or they’ve chased him?) all around the lakeside, yipping and prancing all the way, and they’ve settled back with the older kids, Hero and Mari, for a quick nap before going home.
[Aubrey has nearly fallen asleep, but not yet. Mari is laughing; a quiet, perfect sound that Aubrey will never get tired of hearing. Hero, on one side of Mari, must’ve said something funny; he’s always so cheesy. And although Sunny is curled up on his sister’s lap, Mari’s other side is open for Aubrey to lean on. It’s a nice rest.
[She feels warm. She feels safe. She feels cared for, deeply and wholly. It’s a rare feeling. Mari strokes lithe fingers through the girl’s hair, and Aubrey drifts off to a calming hum.]
[There’s a sadness here, of course. The memory is all the more precious because this was one of the last they had, by the lake. And there was a time when the apparent defacement of this moment sent Aubrey spiraling, almost worse than the news that Mari would do such a terrible thing to herself, because something about the marks made the loss all the more real—
[But that was years ago. Sometimes Aubrey thinks she only held onto that searing rage because she had nothing else. The pictures are okay now, even if their taker isn’t; and the flame has subsided to a glowing ember, a candle in the storm. It’s a melancholy, bittersweet thing, now. Only love remains. She won’t let it die.]
[She hopes, grief-tinged as it may be, that the memory brings some peace to Eren, too.]
Edited (teeny little phrasing tweaks) 2023-09-26 17:24 (UTC)
[Eren slips deep into the memory before he can realize what's happening. As it plays out in his mind (His mind? Why?), he can't even think to question it. He feels it everywhere. The warmth of the sun on his skin, a shoulder to rest on, the ease of sleep slowly creeping in.
[It's such a peaceful thing, such a simple joy. The real Eren closes his eyes, and the Eren living in the memory does too. The gentle hum holds him like a pair of arms, soothing and safe. When's the last time he felt something like this? He can't even stop to question it. It feels so real - a longing, satisfied. There's a sadness, but that's nothing Eren isn't used to. It isn't so severe. The feeling of peace endures; peace and friendship, a love so natural and easy that it's impossible to doubt. Eren knows that feeling very well. Kel, Sunny, Basil, Mari, Hero - he'd do anything for any one of them.
[For any one of...who, again? Those names don't seem quite right, but...he's certain...
[When Aubrey takes her hand away, Eren will feel heavy like stone, and calm like the feeling of his head in his mother's lap. He's staring at Aubrey through the darkness, though he can't see her. The cold is still biting, and there are tears freezing on his cheeks, but he almost doesn't mind. Reiner is the farthest thing from his mind, suddenly, almost as if he'd never known him at all.
[He doesn't know what to say. He feels like a kid again; young, before the walls came down. His voice is very, very soft, and exceptionally genuine, considering who's talking.]
[It’s a while before Aubrey moves away. She’s not sure how this… works, exactly, and by the memory’s end it’s already lost its hold on her, but she lingers in its aftermath. Eren’s breathing seems to slow. Thank god....]
[It’s the tinge on her fingers that does it—wet? cold? Is he…? There’s some reluctance in her retreat, but Aubrey pulls back just the same. Seems it wasn’t enough to shift the room, not on its own—but she doesn’t have to see Eren to know there’s been a shift in him. Softer, this time. Like he’s someone she could just… talk to, again. Care about.]
[Aubrey can't see it, but Eren nods. Something in him just...understands - at least, for the moment, he understands. It's a love he knows, even if they've taken very different paths in response. His friends may have been a detriment to him too, once, but...he won't allow that to happen anymore, even if it does hurt them.
[Yeah. It's all...justified, right? He's doing only what he has to do.
[Doesn't have to right now though. Something in his brain finally processes; a break, needed. He takes a deep breath. He wishes his friends were here. He wishes he could see Armin; so close, and yet...]
It's cold...
[His voice sounds far away. He inches closer to Aubrey, body still radiating heat. He'd almost forgotten about survival for a minute...Is it getting warmer, or has his brain just given up to the point where he can't be fucked to care anymore?]
I'm warmer than you. Come here so you don't freeze.
[He feels almost like the old Eren, the weak Eren, the stupid Eren-- Oh, fuck it. The Eren who still had something to live for. Just let it slide this one time...
[He readies his arms for her, but doesn't grab her again. She'll let him know one way or another whether it's the warmth she needs.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I’m trying.
[But he’s not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth he’s imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadets’ barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[There’s a vivid image in Eren’s mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyone’s soul. It’s late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braun’s arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[”Gotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,” his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, they’re both shivering.
[”I’ll die from you— oof— cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.”
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Eren’s scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - it’s too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[”Is this shit…e-ever gonna let up?” Eren asks.
[”What, you don’t want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?”
[Another blast of cold sends Eren’s face burrowing into Reiner’s chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Eren’s back.
[It’s not just a fond memory. It’s warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, “I’d do anything to be like him. This is my hero.”
[But there’s a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. He’s reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, she’ll see what he’s seen.]
no subject
[“I’m trying.” There’s a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesn’t need to see to feel, a spike of heat—and then he grabs her.]
[It’s a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesn’t matter, in this moment—just him. A parallel that runs deep as blood you’ve spilled, deeper—irreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[He’s everything you want to be. He’s everything you can’t be. And neither of you can go home.
[He’s hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you don’t care, that the mere thought of this man doesn’t leave you floundering, gasping, falling—your world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And he’s hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you can’t move and you’re trembling, reeling, and he wouldn’t do that to you but he would, wouldn’t he? He’s impossibly warm. He’ll be the death of—
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Rein– e-Er— [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizable—Aubrey’s, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes don’t feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but it’s her body, isn’t it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
no subject
What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what she’s said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He can’t see her, but he can still stare through her.]
no subject
[Aubrey’s heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she might’ve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt her—at least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and she’s reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laugh…
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustration—but it’s too loud in here as-is, Eren’s breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that your—? When you touched— [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
What were you thinking?!
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Answer me, Aubrey.
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Reiner. [It comes out without thinking. She still sounds furious. Eren knows this, doesn’t he? It was his perspective!] Reiner, holding y— God, you really hate him, don’t you?
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[”Holding you.”
[White hot pain flares in Eren’s chest, the room spinning even in the darkness. He wants to be far away from Aubrey. Fuck, he barely feels the cold - until he throws the blanket off himself and truly feels it. He can only handle it for a few seconds before he’s throwing the blanket back over himself, moving as far away from her as possible - but he can’t go too far. They both need the body heat. He feels like he’s going to explode.
[”You really hate him, don’t you?”
[His voice comes out loud and impatient - more than impatient. Usually it hovers somewhere in between apathetic and impassioned with rage, but Eren sounds very human - frustrated, scared, ragged.]
What the fuck is going on?
[He wants to go home, but home drove a stake right through his black heart.
[Home? Home? No, Reiner isn’t home. He was never home. He destroyed your home. Your mother is dead because of him.
[Eren hasn’t felt like crying in a long time.]
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[He leaves. He returns. Here they are, together again, and she’s never heard Eren like this before.]
I don’t know! [The frustration lingers as ever—but it’s not with him; Aubrey knows he’s not talking to her any more than her to him. And she knows that tone, if not from Eren (never, before, from Eren)—cornered. Trapped. Terrified.]
I don’t… [Quieter, this time. Still shaking.] I don’t know. [She thinks they’ve died and gone to hell.]
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[Eren sucks in a shaking breath, coated in emotion. Might as well, right? Aubrey knows everything there fucking is to know at this point.
[This damned place. This goddamned place.]
I w-won’t— [Teeth chattering again - or is it something else?] F-for fucks sake.
I won’t talk about this anymore. I w-won’t.
[His voice cracks - just a little bit.]
Don’t ask me.
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[. . . Ah.]
[She won’t ask. The fury dissipates, and the weight in Aubrey’s chest sinks deeper, heavier still.]
[She doesn’t want him to start shaking again.
[Maybe....]
[Aubrey closes her eyes, takes in a slow, unsteady breath.]
Hey. [Just a whisper, to let him know.]
[Tentatively, with one hand, she reaches out.
[And if Eren will allow it, she’ll rest her hand wherever it lands—his arm, his chest, his face—and leave it there, as she remembers something else.]
no subject
[He's so rarely touched these days. It's almost grounding; that, and the closer she gets - the closer they are - the warmer it feels. The temperature in the room is all but maddening. Maybe this truly is hell.
[His own voice is quiet - somewhat stunned, even, or maybe just resigned, tired.]
What?
no subject
[It’s not immediate. Unlike Eren’s sharp grasp, Aubrey’s memory takes a moment to settle—and when it sets in, it’s not a grab but a gentle breeze.]
[There’s less sight than sensation. Dappled sun through the trees, leaves rustling a lullaby. The earth is soft beneath the picnic basket, and Aubrey is tired—not at all from strain or stress, but because she’s spent the morning running around with friends—Kel, Sunny, Basil. Kel’s puppy Hector has chased them (or they’ve chased him?) all around the lakeside, yipping and prancing all the way, and they’ve settled back with the older kids, Hero and Mari, for a quick nap before going home.
[Aubrey has nearly fallen asleep, but not yet. Mari is laughing; a quiet, perfect sound that Aubrey will never get tired of hearing. Hero, on one side of Mari, must’ve said something funny; he’s always so cheesy. And although Sunny is curled up on his sister’s lap, Mari’s other side is open for Aubrey to lean on. It’s a nice rest.
[She feels warm. She feels safe. She feels cared for, deeply and wholly. It’s a rare feeling. Mari strokes lithe fingers through the girl’s hair, and Aubrey drifts off to a calming hum.]
[There’s a sadness here, of course. The memory is all the more precious because this was one of the last they had, by the lake. And there was a time when the apparent defacement of this moment sent Aubrey spiraling, almost worse than the news that Mari would do such a terrible thing to herself, because something about the marks made the loss all the more real—
[But that was years ago. Sometimes Aubrey thinks she only held onto that searing rage because she had nothing else. The pictures are okay now, even if their taker isn’t; and the flame has subsided to a glowing ember, a candle in the storm. It’s a melancholy, bittersweet thing, now. Only love remains. She won’t let it die.]
[She hopes, grief-tinged as it may be, that the memory brings some peace to Eren, too.]
no subject
[It's such a peaceful thing, such a simple joy. The real Eren closes his eyes, and the Eren living in the memory does too. The gentle hum holds him like a pair of arms, soothing and safe. When's the last time he felt something like this? He can't even stop to question it. It feels so real - a longing, satisfied. There's a sadness, but that's nothing Eren isn't used to. It isn't so severe. The feeling of peace endures; peace and friendship, a love so natural and easy that it's impossible to doubt. Eren knows that feeling very well. Kel, Sunny, Basil, Mari, Hero - he'd do anything for any one of them.
[For any one of...who, again? Those names don't seem quite right, but...he's certain...
[When Aubrey takes her hand away, Eren will feel heavy like stone, and calm like the feeling of his head in his mother's lap. He's staring at Aubrey through the darkness, though he can't see her. The cold is still biting, and there are tears freezing on his cheeks, but he almost doesn't mind. Reiner is the farthest thing from his mind, suddenly, almost as if he'd never known him at all.
[He doesn't know what to say. He feels like a kid again; young, before the walls came down. His voice is very, very soft, and exceptionally genuine, considering who's talking.]
What was that...?
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[It’s a while before Aubrey moves away. She’s not sure how this… works, exactly, and by the memory’s end it’s already lost its hold on her, but she lingers in its aftermath. Eren’s breathing seems to slow. Thank god....]
[It’s the tinge on her fingers that does it—wet? cold? Is he…? There’s some reluctance in her retreat, but Aubrey pulls back just the same. Seems it wasn’t enough to shift the room, not on its own—but she doesn’t have to see Eren to know there’s been a shift in him. Softer, this time. Like he’s someone she could just… talk to, again. Care about.]
[The things desperation will do.... She shivers.]
That’s my detriment. [Her voice is quiet, too.]
no subject
[Aubrey can't see it, but Eren nods. Something in him just...understands - at least, for the moment, he understands. It's a love he knows, even if they've taken very different paths in response. His friends may have been a detriment to him too, once, but...he won't allow that to happen anymore, even if it does hurt them.
[Yeah. It's all...justified, right? He's doing only what he has to do.
[Doesn't have to right now though. Something in his brain finally processes; a break, needed. He takes a deep breath. He wishes his friends were here. He wishes he could see Armin; so close, and yet...]
It's cold...
[His voice sounds far away. He inches closer to Aubrey, body still radiating heat. He'd almost forgotten about survival for a minute...Is it getting warmer, or has his brain just given up to the point where he can't be fucked to care anymore?]
I'm warmer than you. Come here so you don't freeze.
[He feels almost like the old Eren, the weak Eren, the stupid Eren-- Oh, fuck it. The Eren who still had something to live for. Just let it slide this one time...
[He readies his arms for her, but doesn't grab her again. She'll let him know one way or another whether it's the warmth she needs.]