[Eren’s voice snaps her back to the barracks, and the memory leaves her hollow as it ever does. The smile drops along with. But it still feels like she’s been slammed back into her room, sleet blasting rudely through the ceiling. It forces a shudder, an instinctive curl into herself, and—surprise of the century—it hurts.]
Bring— what, [trying in relative vain to suppress the hiss,] the fort? No. [How quickly her mood can drop; the annoyance isn’t really with Eren, for once, but it might as well sound it. She gets the feeling the fort isn’t what he’s talking about.] Wouldn’t have brought anything.
[At the pained hiss, Eren feels irritation. Why can’t she just sit still? A cold breeze through the (suddenly?) shoddy walls makes his hair stand up on his arms and neck.
[His voice comes out sounding accusatory.]
I’m not the one who imagined it.
[Idly, he takes his jacket from the floor and puts it back on, pulling it tightly around himself.
[Oh, great; to add insult to injury, now Eren’s mad at her? For what?]
I’m sorry? [Does not sound it. Aubrey’s really more confused than anything, but…] I just said, I don’t control what this stupid world pulls from. Can’t you just— pretend we’re somewhere else?
[Punctuated by a suppressed shudder, and a tug at the sleeves she doesn’t have. Last she checked it was summer. The jacket got lost in the fray somewhere; it would’ve gotten in the way of Eren’s work anyway, but now…]
[”Can’t you just pretend we’re somewhere else?” Anxiety creeps up inside of Eren. He remembers early on that trying to transform into the Attack Titan only seemed to work in desperate situations. He figures a similar phenomenon is what brought them here. Now that they are here though, are they able to leave?
[Definitely sounding impatient now:]
You can learn to control it. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
[However.]
It’s not an exact science.
[Then, with a glance at the door, he tosses her a blanket. The gesture seems a little careless; by its very nature, it’s not.
[He rises, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself, and approaches the door. Just as he’s about to open it, a wind comes through that rattles the walls of the barracks.
[He peers through one of the too-large cracks in the wood.]
[Aubrey bites back a retort. Because it seems increasingly like she already has controlled it, entirely without trying—though she certainly doesn’t remember the wind echoing like that, as if the landscape outside has suddenly become all too vast.]
[She throws the blanket around herself quickly as she can manage, gratefulness for it outweighing any annoyance at the toss. How the hell can Eren get so close to the door with just a jacket…?]
“Snow…?”
[Why.]
Definitely… n-not a science. [It’s a grumbled comment; so much for not shivering. Aubrey is mortified, frankly.] Where are you going?
[Another blast of wind rattles the barracks, howling through every opening. Eren steps away from the door, pulling his jacket around him ever tighter. He can’t remember the last time he felt this cold.]
This isn’t good. What are you imagining? Control your thoughts.
[As if he himself wasn’t thinking of the frigid winter where they’d formed a search party.
[He gets back on his knees near Aubrey, pulling the blanket he’d been sleeping with around his shoulders. His teeth are starting to chatter. It’s very difficult to picture anything warm.]
[If only shame could warm a room, because Aubrey feels entirely pathetic, shivering and shaking. She just barely hears Eren’s first response over the wind, and then said wind whips away any conscious thought about the matter. (There was, perhaps, a weird flash of relief.)]
[When he kneels down again she shifts his way on instinct, not quite making contact but seemingly wanting to. Is it just the contrast or is he actually much warmer?]
[Yet another gust rattles the room before Aubrey pieces together a response.] S-storm. [Obviously. But:] Wasn’t… th-this bad. [She can’t quite muster an accusatory tone. It’s getting hard to think about anything, never mind warmth.]
[It would be easy to blame Aubrey for this. The cold is becoming increasingly more aggravating, but ultimately, concern outshines the irritation. She’s shivering violently, much more so than himself, but he doesn’t trust that that will last.
[She won’t heal like this.
[Eren snatches another blanket off the ground, the cold assaulting his skin when his jacket opens with the motion. He shudders, throwing the cover over shoulders and head. His body is, indeed, emitting heat as his arms temporarily hover over her body. Aubrey’s body heat is noticeable enough itself compared to the rapidly descending temperature in the room.]
Lie down. Cover up.
[The more layers they can bury themselves under, the better. If she does lie down, he’ll continue to throw covers over her. Every time he hovers closer to her, his body heat radiates from him. He’s aware of the possibility that he’ll need to utilize it if things don’t heat up soon - and he’s not faithful they will, even if—]
[Aubrey only somewhat registers Eren’s motion before she gets a face full of blanket. Which, alright, fine, that works. Hell with looking like a sorry little thing, and to hell with this world that apparently wants to finish killing her. It’s so goddamn cold.]
[She follows Eren’s initial command without question, curling on her side and tugging the onslaught of covers close. It is marginally less cold. What’d he say now, “warm”? Something under his breath? It’s hard to be indignant when her teeth are chattering this much.]
[Heat and beach and summer could not feel further away; they’re a distant fantasy, inasmuch they occur to Aubrey at all. Eren’s going to run himself ragged again because she can’t pretend hard enough this time, and— Damn it.]
[She juts one hand out from under the pile; shaking, red with chill, but she tries her best to curl her fingers in a silent beckon—You. Come in. Don’t freeze out there.]
[Eren Jaeger is nothing if not stubborn, and it does occur to him first that Aubrey might be reaching for him for his own safety. This is a man who’s always hated it when others try to care for him. But then it occurs to him that she’s reaching for him for a different reason. She’s trembling so badly, and he’s only marginally better. She’ll be warmer - much so - if he gets closer. The fact that he’ll be warmer too is incidental.
[He’s not terribly keen on the idea of cuddling up with anyone, but the louder the wind howls and the barracks rattles, the less it seems like he has a choice.
[He relents, lifting the blankets as briefly as he can and lying down beside Aubrey. Beneath the covers, even he can feel the heat of his body being forced back over them. He doesn’t put his arms around Aubrey, but scoots in close. He pulls the blankets over both their heads; darkness. He can hear them both - their breathing, their chattering teeth.]
[It’s amazing what desperation can make people do. Like diving headlong into the abyss to get away from someone, only to grab his wrist and cry for him like he’s the only lifeline she has left. And now, initiating the most horrifying thing of all (or so it’s become, years removed from that youthful tangle): lying next to someone. Inches away, even.]
[But damn if the relief isn’t immediate. Aubrey covers her face to muffle the sigh, shaky as it remains, and because (of course!) she’s facing Eren. Sure, it’s dark under here, and she spent god knows how long staring at him before he woke up, but suddenly looking his way would be too much.
[Her priorities are so fucked.]
[Aubrey doesn’t fully stop shivering, but with each passing breath it subsides a little more; from something toeing hypothermia to a somewhat-tolerable chill. She’s not so far gone she’d prefer the thought-freezing scramble, of course. But there’s something stifling about this, too; quiet, unbearably close. She is much, much more aware of Eren’s breathing, his own shiver, and overall indomitable presence than she wants to be.
[He actually seems to be radiating heat.]
H-how… the hell… [Just to hear something besides him.]
[Their hideaway is an echo chamber. Hearing Aubrey’s voice this close to his ears feels profoundly wrong. Eren isn’t stupid, and the way he’s treated Aubrey has not been unintentional - that is to say, the only parts you could argue were unintentional were the kind ones. They shouldn’t be this close. She shouldn’t trust him like this. Why does that bother him?]
My body…[He pauses to shiver, his own voice too loud in his ears.]
I generate more heat. The t-titan.
[The warmth is welcome, of course, but Eren senses it will be short-lived. Even as they lie here, the temperature is dropping.]
[Talking was a mistake. Hearing him close as he dressed her wound was easy enough to dismiss; this, less. If not for said wound Aubrey would have turned her back to him. Of all things, trust isn’t on her mind at all—if only because she hasn’t stopped to question it. The situation hasn’t really allowed it.
[He said he wouldn’t let her die; he hasn’t. He’s gone out of his way to make sure she doesn’t. That’s all she needs, here. Everything else can weigh down later.]
[The titan bit, for instance? Sure. Heat wave. Giant monster transformation. Why not. Makes as much sense as anything else, here. But maybe she should be more skeptical, because the temperature’s still falling....]
[Fine. Voice is a distraction.] H. Hey. [Great, not the teeth chattering again....] Th-think of… anywhere else, yet?
[But he’s not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth he’s imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadets’ barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[There’s a vivid image in Eren’s mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyone’s soul. It’s late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braun’s arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[”Gotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,” his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, they’re both shivering.
[”I’ll die from you— oof— cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.”
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Eren’s scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - it’s too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[”Is this shit…e-ever gonna let up?” Eren asks.
[”What, you don’t want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?”
[Another blast of cold sends Eren’s face burrowing into Reiner’s chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Eren’s back.
[It’s not just a fond memory. It’s warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, “I’d do anything to be like him. This is my hero.”
[But there’s a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. He’s reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, she’ll see what he’s seen.]
[“I’m trying.” There’s a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesn’t need to see to feel, a spike of heat—and then he grabs her.]
[It’s a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesn’t matter, in this moment—just him. A parallel that runs deep as blood you’ve spilled, deeper—irreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[He’s everything you want to be. He’s everything you can’t be. And neither of you can go home.
[He’s hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you don’t care, that the mere thought of this man doesn’t leave you floundering, gasping, falling—your world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And he’s hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you can’t move and you’re trembling, reeling, and he wouldn’t do that to you but he would, wouldn’t he? He’s impossibly warm. He’ll be the death of—
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Rein– e-Er— [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizable—Aubrey’s, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes don’t feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but it’s her body, isn’t it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
[It happens quickly. Eren loses himself, he puts his arms around Aubrey, a few silent moments pass, and then, she’s screaming. Eren jolts away from her, genuinely startled by the sudden shrieking. He releases her from his grasp, reeling back as far as the tight blanket cocoon will allow (it isn’t far).]
What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what she’s said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He can’t see her, but he can still stare through her.]
[Aubrey’s heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she might’ve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt her—at least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and she’s reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laugh…
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustration—but it’s too loud in here as-is, Eren’s breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that your—? When you touched— [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
Reiner. [It comes out without thinking. She still sounds furious. Eren knows this, doesn’t he? It was his perspective!] Reiner, holding y— God, you really hate him, don’t you?
[White hot pain flares in Eren’s chest, the room spinning even in the darkness. He wants to be far away from Aubrey. Fuck, he barely feels the cold - until he throws the blanket off himself and truly feels it. He can only handle it for a few seconds before he’s throwing the blanket back over himself, moving as far away from her as possible - but he can’t go too far. They both need the body heat. He feels like he’s going to explode.
[”You really hate him, don’t you?”
[His voice comes out loud and impatient - more than impatient. Usually it hovers somewhere in between apathetic and impassioned with rage, but Eren sounds very human - frustrated, scared, ragged.]
What the fuck is going on?
[He wants to go home, but home drove a stake right through his black heart.
[Home? Home? No, Reiner isn’t home. He was never home. He destroyed your home. Your mother is dead because of him.
[He leaves. He returns. Here they are, together again, and she’s never heard Eren like this before.]
I don’t know! [The frustration lingers as ever—but it’s not with him; Aubrey knows he’s not talking to her any more than her to him. And she knows that tone, if not from Eren (never, before, from Eren)—cornered. Trapped. Terrified.]
I don’t… [Quieter, this time. Still shaking.] I don’t know. [She thinks they’ve died and gone to hell.]
[The combination of the cold and the memory, sharp as a knife, leave Eren floundering for anything he can grasp onto. He hates to feel out of control like this. He hates to feel at all. He wants it to end - just let it end! He's too overwhelmed to reject Aubrey's touch outright. He allows her to place her cold hand on his face, which is burning even warmer than the rest of his body. He flinches a bit, confused and surprised by the touch, but he doesn't fight back - at least, not right away.
[He's so rarely touched these days. It's almost grounding; that, and the closer she gets - the closer they are - the warmer it feels. The temperature in the room is all but maddening. Maybe this truly is hell.
[His own voice is quiet - somewhat stunned, even, or maybe just resigned, tired.]
[It’s not immediate. Unlike Eren’s sharp grasp, Aubrey’s memory takes a moment to settle—and when it sets in, it’s not a grab but a gentle breeze.]
[There’s less sight than sensation. Dappled sun through the trees, leaves rustling a lullaby. The earth is soft beneath the picnic basket, and Aubrey is tired—not at all from strain or stress, but because she’s spent the morning running around with friends—Kel, Sunny, Basil. Kel’s puppy Hector has chased them (or they’ve chased him?) all around the lakeside, yipping and prancing all the way, and they’ve settled back with the older kids, Hero and Mari, for a quick nap before going home.
[Aubrey has nearly fallen asleep, but not yet. Mari is laughing; a quiet, perfect sound that Aubrey will never get tired of hearing. Hero, on one side of Mari, must’ve said something funny; he’s always so cheesy. And although Sunny is curled up on his sister’s lap, Mari’s other side is open for Aubrey to lean on. It’s a nice rest.
[She feels warm. She feels safe. She feels cared for, deeply and wholly. It’s a rare feeling. Mari strokes lithe fingers through the girl’s hair, and Aubrey drifts off to a calming hum.]
[There’s a sadness here, of course. The memory is all the more precious because this was one of the last they had, by the lake. And there was a time when the apparent defacement of this moment sent Aubrey spiraling, almost worse than the news that Mari would do such a terrible thing to herself, because something about the marks made the loss all the more real—
[But that was years ago. Sometimes Aubrey thinks she only held onto that searing rage because she had nothing else. The pictures are okay now, even if their taker isn’t; and the flame has subsided to a glowing ember, a candle in the storm. It’s a melancholy, bittersweet thing, now. Only love remains. She won’t let it die.]
[She hopes, grief-tinged as it may be, that the memory brings some peace to Eren, too.]
Edited (teeny little phrasing tweaks) 2023-09-26 17:24 (UTC)
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no subject
[Eren’s voice snaps her back to the barracks, and the memory leaves her hollow as it ever does. The smile drops along with. But it still feels like she’s been slammed back into her room, sleet blasting rudely through the ceiling. It forces a shudder, an instinctive curl into herself, and—surprise of the century—it hurts.]
Bring— what, [trying in relative vain to suppress the hiss,] the fort? No. [How quickly her mood can drop; the annoyance isn’t really with Eren, for once, but it might as well sound it. She gets the feeling the fort isn’t what he’s talking about.] Wouldn’t have brought anything.
no subject
[His voice comes out sounding accusatory.]
I’m not the one who imagined it.
[Idly, he takes his jacket from the floor and puts it back on, pulling it tightly around himself.
[What’s happening here?]
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[Oh, great; to add insult to injury, now Eren’s mad at her? For what?]
I’m sorry? [Does not sound it. Aubrey’s really more confused than anything, but…] I just said, I don’t control what this stupid world pulls from. Can’t you just— pretend we’re somewhere else?
[Punctuated by a suppressed shudder, and a tug at the sleeves she doesn’t have. Last she checked it was summer. The jacket got lost in the fray somewhere; it would’ve gotten in the way of Eren’s work anyway, but now…]
no subject
[Definitely sounding impatient now:]
You can learn to control it. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
[However.]
It’s not an exact science.
[Then, with a glance at the door, he tosses her a blanket. The gesture seems a little careless; by its very nature, it’s not.
[He rises, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself, and approaches the door. Just as he’s about to open it, a wind comes through that rattles the walls of the barracks.
[He peers through one of the too-large cracks in the wood.]
Snow…?
no subject
[Aubrey bites back a retort. Because it seems increasingly like she already has controlled it, entirely without trying—though she certainly doesn’t remember the wind echoing like that, as if the landscape outside has suddenly become all too vast.]
[She throws the blanket around herself quickly as she can manage, gratefulness for it outweighing any annoyance at the toss. How the hell can Eren get so close to the door with just a jacket…?]
“Snow…?”
[Why.]
Definitely… n-not a science. [It’s a grumbled comment; so much for not shivering. Aubrey is mortified, frankly.] Where are you going?
no subject
I’m not leaving.
[Another blast of wind rattles the barracks, howling through every opening. Eren steps away from the door, pulling his jacket around him ever tighter. He can’t remember the last time he felt this cold.]
This isn’t good. What are you imagining? Control your thoughts.
[As if he himself wasn’t thinking of the frigid winter where they’d formed a search party.
[He gets back on his knees near Aubrey, pulling the blanket he’d been sleeping with around his shoulders. His teeth are starting to chatter. It’s very difficult to picture anything warm.]
no subject
[If only shame could warm a room, because Aubrey feels entirely pathetic, shivering and shaking. She just barely hears Eren’s first response over the wind, and then said wind whips away any conscious thought about the matter. (There was, perhaps, a weird flash of relief.)]
[When he kneels down again she shifts his way on instinct, not quite making contact but seemingly wanting to. Is it just the contrast or is he actually much warmer?]
[Yet another gust rattles the room before Aubrey pieces together a response.] S-storm. [Obviously. But:] Wasn’t… th-this bad. [She can’t quite muster an accusatory tone. It’s getting hard to think about anything, never mind warmth.]
no subject
[She won’t heal like this.
[Eren snatches another blanket off the ground, the cold assaulting his skin when his jacket opens with the motion. He shudders, throwing the cover over shoulders and head. His body is, indeed, emitting heat as his arms temporarily hover over her body. Aubrey’s body heat is noticeable enough itself compared to the rapidly descending temperature in the room.]
Lie down. Cover up.
[The more layers they can bury themselves under, the better. If she does lie down, he’ll continue to throw covers over her. Every time he hovers closer to her, his body heat radiates from him. He’s aware of the possibility that he’ll need to utilize it if things don’t heat up soon - and he’s not faithful they will, even if—]
Think of somewhere warm. Th-think hard—- Shit.
no subject
[Aubrey only somewhat registers Eren’s motion before she gets a face full of blanket. Which, alright, fine, that works. Hell with looking like a sorry little thing, and to hell with this world that apparently wants to finish killing her. It’s so goddamn cold.]
[She follows Eren’s initial command without question, curling on her side and tugging the onslaught of covers close. It is marginally less cold. What’d he say now, “warm”? Something under his breath? It’s hard to be indignant when her teeth are chattering this much.]
[Heat and beach and summer could not feel further away; they’re a distant fantasy, inasmuch they occur to Aubrey at all. Eren’s going to run himself ragged again because she can’t pretend hard enough this time, and— Damn it.]
[She juts one hand out from under the pile; shaking, red with chill, but she tries her best to curl her fingers in a silent beckon—You. Come in. Don’t freeze out there.]
no subject
[He’s not terribly keen on the idea of cuddling up with anyone, but the louder the wind howls and the barracks rattles, the less it seems like he has a choice.
[He relents, lifting the blankets as briefly as he can and lying down beside Aubrey. Beneath the covers, even he can feel the heat of his body being forced back over them. He doesn’t put his arms around Aubrey, but scoots in close. He pulls the blankets over both their heads; darkness. He can hear them both - their breathing, their chattering teeth.]
no subject
[It’s amazing what desperation can make people do. Like diving headlong into the abyss to get away from someone, only to grab his wrist and cry for him like he’s the only lifeline she has left. And now, initiating the most horrifying thing of all (or so it’s become, years removed from that youthful tangle): lying next to someone. Inches away, even.]
[But damn if the relief isn’t immediate. Aubrey covers her face to muffle the sigh, shaky as it remains, and because (of course!) she’s facing Eren. Sure, it’s dark under here, and she spent god knows how long staring at him before he woke up, but suddenly looking his way would be too much.
[Her priorities are so fucked.]
[Aubrey doesn’t fully stop shivering, but with each passing breath it subsides a little more; from something toeing hypothermia to a somewhat-tolerable chill. She’s not so far gone she’d prefer the thought-freezing scramble, of course. But there’s something stifling about this, too; quiet, unbearably close. She is much, much more aware of Eren’s breathing, his own shiver, and overall indomitable presence than she wants to be.
[He actually seems to be radiating heat.]
H-how… the hell… [Just to hear something besides him.]
no subject
My body…[He pauses to shiver, his own voice too loud in his ears.]
I generate more heat. The t-titan.
[The warmth is welcome, of course, but Eren senses it will be short-lived. Even as they lie here, the temperature is dropping.]
Stay close…
no subject
[Talking was a mistake. Hearing him close as he dressed her wound was easy enough to dismiss; this, less. If not for said wound Aubrey would have turned her back to him. Of all things, trust isn’t on her mind at all—if only because she hasn’t stopped to question it. The situation hasn’t really allowed it.
[He said he wouldn’t let her die; he hasn’t. He’s gone out of his way to make sure she doesn’t. That’s all she needs, here. Everything else can weigh down later.]
[The titan bit, for instance? Sure. Heat wave. Giant monster transformation. Why not. Makes as much sense as anything else, here. But maybe she should be more skeptical, because the temperature’s still falling....]
[Fine. Voice is a distraction.] H. Hey. [Great, not the teeth chattering again....] Th-think of… anywhere else, yet?
no subject
I’m trying.
[But he’s not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth he’s imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadets’ barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[There’s a vivid image in Eren’s mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyone’s soul. It’s late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braun’s arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[”Gotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,” his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, they’re both shivering.
[”I’ll die from you— oof— cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.”
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Eren’s scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - it’s too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[”Is this shit…e-ever gonna let up?” Eren asks.
[”What, you don’t want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?”
[Another blast of cold sends Eren’s face burrowing into Reiner’s chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Eren’s back.
[It’s not just a fond memory. It’s warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, “I’d do anything to be like him. This is my hero.”
[But there’s a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. He’s reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, she’ll see what he’s seen.]
no subject
[“I’m trying.” There’s a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesn’t need to see to feel, a spike of heat—and then he grabs her.]
[It’s a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesn’t matter, in this moment—just him. A parallel that runs deep as blood you’ve spilled, deeper—irreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[He’s everything you want to be. He’s everything you can’t be. And neither of you can go home.
[He’s hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you don’t care, that the mere thought of this man doesn’t leave you floundering, gasping, falling—your world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And he’s hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you can’t move and you’re trembling, reeling, and he wouldn’t do that to you but he would, wouldn’t he? He’s impossibly warm. He’ll be the death of—
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Rein– e-Er— [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizable—Aubrey’s, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes don’t feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but it’s her body, isn’t it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
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What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what she’s said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He can’t see her, but he can still stare through her.]
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[Aubrey’s heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she might’ve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt her—at least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and she’s reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laugh…
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustration—but it’s too loud in here as-is, Eren’s breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that your—? When you touched— [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
What were you thinking?!
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Answer me, Aubrey.
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Reiner. [It comes out without thinking. She still sounds furious. Eren knows this, doesn’t he? It was his perspective!] Reiner, holding y— God, you really hate him, don’t you?
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[”Holding you.”
[White hot pain flares in Eren’s chest, the room spinning even in the darkness. He wants to be far away from Aubrey. Fuck, he barely feels the cold - until he throws the blanket off himself and truly feels it. He can only handle it for a few seconds before he’s throwing the blanket back over himself, moving as far away from her as possible - but he can’t go too far. They both need the body heat. He feels like he’s going to explode.
[”You really hate him, don’t you?”
[His voice comes out loud and impatient - more than impatient. Usually it hovers somewhere in between apathetic and impassioned with rage, but Eren sounds very human - frustrated, scared, ragged.]
What the fuck is going on?
[He wants to go home, but home drove a stake right through his black heart.
[Home? Home? No, Reiner isn’t home. He was never home. He destroyed your home. Your mother is dead because of him.
[Eren hasn’t felt like crying in a long time.]
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[He leaves. He returns. Here they are, together again, and she’s never heard Eren like this before.]
I don’t know! [The frustration lingers as ever—but it’s not with him; Aubrey knows he’s not talking to her any more than her to him. And she knows that tone, if not from Eren (never, before, from Eren)—cornered. Trapped. Terrified.]
I don’t… [Quieter, this time. Still shaking.] I don’t know. [She thinks they’ve died and gone to hell.]
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[Eren sucks in a shaking breath, coated in emotion. Might as well, right? Aubrey knows everything there fucking is to know at this point.
[This damned place. This goddamned place.]
I w-won’t— [Teeth chattering again - or is it something else?] F-for fucks sake.
I won’t talk about this anymore. I w-won’t.
[His voice cracks - just a little bit.]
Don’t ask me.
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[. . . Ah.]
[She won’t ask. The fury dissipates, and the weight in Aubrey’s chest sinks deeper, heavier still.]
[She doesn’t want him to start shaking again.
[Maybe....]
[Aubrey closes her eyes, takes in a slow, unsteady breath.]
Hey. [Just a whisper, to let him know.]
[Tentatively, with one hand, she reaches out.
[And if Eren will allow it, she’ll rest her hand wherever it lands—his arm, his chest, his face—and leave it there, as she remembers something else.]
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[He's so rarely touched these days. It's almost grounding; that, and the closer she gets - the closer they are - the warmer it feels. The temperature in the room is all but maddening. Maybe this truly is hell.
[His own voice is quiet - somewhat stunned, even, or maybe just resigned, tired.]
What?
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[It’s not immediate. Unlike Eren’s sharp grasp, Aubrey’s memory takes a moment to settle—and when it sets in, it’s not a grab but a gentle breeze.]
[There’s less sight than sensation. Dappled sun through the trees, leaves rustling a lullaby. The earth is soft beneath the picnic basket, and Aubrey is tired—not at all from strain or stress, but because she’s spent the morning running around with friends—Kel, Sunny, Basil. Kel’s puppy Hector has chased them (or they’ve chased him?) all around the lakeside, yipping and prancing all the way, and they’ve settled back with the older kids, Hero and Mari, for a quick nap before going home.
[Aubrey has nearly fallen asleep, but not yet. Mari is laughing; a quiet, perfect sound that Aubrey will never get tired of hearing. Hero, on one side of Mari, must’ve said something funny; he’s always so cheesy. And although Sunny is curled up on his sister’s lap, Mari’s other side is open for Aubrey to lean on. It’s a nice rest.
[She feels warm. She feels safe. She feels cared for, deeply and wholly. It’s a rare feeling. Mari strokes lithe fingers through the girl’s hair, and Aubrey drifts off to a calming hum.]
[There’s a sadness here, of course. The memory is all the more precious because this was one of the last they had, by the lake. And there was a time when the apparent defacement of this moment sent Aubrey spiraling, almost worse than the news that Mari would do such a terrible thing to herself, because something about the marks made the loss all the more real—
[But that was years ago. Sometimes Aubrey thinks she only held onto that searing rage because she had nothing else. The pictures are okay now, even if their taker isn’t; and the flame has subsided to a glowing ember, a candle in the storm. It’s a melancholy, bittersweet thing, now. Only love remains. She won’t let it die.]
[She hopes, grief-tinged as it may be, that the memory brings some peace to Eren, too.]
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