[He hadn’t gone through the trouble of explaining this to her before. Honestly, he hadn’t wanted to give the secret up to anyone else, especially not Aubrey. He likes to keep every card to himself if he can, and he didn’t want her having the upper hand.
[Things feel different now. Willing yourself to another location is much faster than running.]
This world listens to our intentions.
Sometimes.
[He’s interrupted by another yawn, which he turns his face away for this time. Now he really feels undignified. He idly wishes he could be less human right now.]
I’ve been practicing. I guess you should do.
[Then, with another glance around the pillow fort:]
I don’t know what you were thinking of. You must have been confused.
Doesn’t matter, I guess. You still managed to land somewhere soft, even if it is a mess.
[It’s a little strange getting an actual answer—but that’s been consistent from the start, hasn’t it? Either this or deflection.]
[Idly Aubrey is reminded of Eren’s actual intentions, for his world. It’s strange, doubtlessly, having that occur to her like no big deal. It hasn’t been on her mind at all, really; more than anything, she hopes this world’s malleability means if he starts shaking again, she can pretend-intend them into a hospital.
[The dissonance is not lost on her—his life, and the countless he has been and will be responsible for ending. It’s as though the rest are too abstract, too distant, to be real to her.
[Eren, here, and his ever-normal yawning… is real.
[She’ll mull over it later.]
It’s not a mess. [And though it’s still embarrassing, she watches Eren with a wary side-eye as she talks. Just in case.] You’ve never made a pillow fort before…?
[Ah. A realization. It’s not as strange to Aubrey as it is to him; this was intentional.]
This? [He glances around the fort a third time, a gesture.]
No.
This is common for you?
[His tone could be misconstrued as judgmental, maybe, but he is genuinely curious too, even if that’s not what shines through. It just seems like such a strange thing. He can ascertain now that it’s probably for fun, but. Strange all the same.
[Maybe part of Eren never stopped wondering about what another world would be like.]
[It does sound judgmental to her—in the same way “privileged” is a judgment, in retrospect saying so much more about the speaker than the listener. Aubrey cannot imagine Eren at 12 years old.]
Hah. Yeah, they’re pretty common where I’m from, I guess. [Quietly sidestepping whether they were common for her. She gets a little too lost in the memory to realize the inadvertent admission of safety, though.]
[Aubrey’s too sore to pull her knees all the way up to her chest, but that’s alright; she doesn’t want to completely lose focus on Eren again anyway. The moment feels dangerously close to right before that happened, and she settles for a midway position—relaxed, but not all the way.]
My friends and I used to make little hideaways like this. We’d, ah… [Why is she admitting all this? Why does it feel like an admission?] We’d fall asleep in them, together. It was nice.
[Eren’s expression is as blank as ever as Aubrey explains the strange custom, but as she finishes, his eyes go not to the pillow fort, but over his shoulder at the bunks lining the walls. They’re all far too large for only one body to sleep in. His eyes linger there for a few moments before he idly responds.]
Why not just use a bed?
spawning a specific event headcanon effective immediately lesgooo
[Aubrey follows his gaze. She hadn’t paid much attention to the bunks before, and now that she’s noticing the size it’s a wonder it took this long. Eren has that effect, she guesses.
[Slightly disquieting.]
[Her answer’s a bit delayed, subsequently. She shrugs.] More fun this way. There were lots of us, and one or two beds at most… only seemed fair.
[A faint smile crosses her face, much as it’s a long-gone time. The last sleepover they’d had was mid-March, and already getting warm… but the winter ones were her favorite. She doesn’t need a polaroid to remember the blizzard that swept through Faraway that last winter, ice gnawing through the walls—but everyone’s patience all the more. The storm at that house was intolerable as ever; it’d always had terrible insulation. (Aubrey doesn’t notice, but a faint draft wanders into the barracks. It’s as though the walls have become patchwork.)
[But all the howling in the world had nothing on her friends. Equal parts cheesy and poetic, that; the moment she stepped in one of their homes, it was warm. They bashed each other with pillows (something Aubrey always had a little too much fun with) and collapsed in the aftermath, giggling and whispering until sleep whisked them away. And even when the power went out, in the dead of night, they clutched their stuffed toys and each other, pulled up every blanket, and made their own peace.]
[Aubrey doesn’t dare say any of this; her bittersweet expression, as she temporarily surrenders focus to the fort, is the only giveaway. Thing is, she always had to leave. It made the world outside sting all the more—but god, she wouldn’t have traded it for anything.]
[Watching Aubrey’s expression, noting her pause, Eren can’t help but find it a bit refreshing not to be the only one stuck in his head. The drop in temperature, though, is notable. Eren’s body runs abnormally hot; it takes a lot for him to notice the cold.
[He does recall that winter in the 104th cadet core. 'A little cold and I’m thinking of that?' Christa and Ymir— No, Historia and Ymir, lost in the mountains. Eren felt too warm in his thick, fur-lined coat, but he could still feel it on his face; bitter cold and wind, stinging his eyes.
[He shivers.
[It’s strange, seeing her smile like that. She’s thinking of her friends, he’s certain. The pit inside of him sinks deeper. This isn’t a train of thought he wants to follow too closely.
[Still, he can almost picture a similar scene with Armin and Mikasa growing up, if only things had been different. But they weren’t.
[He’s just not sure what to say.]
Then you meant to bring this here?
[Bring it back to intention; a goal, a mission, an objective to meet, and so, study is necessary.]
[Eren’s voice snaps her back to the barracks, and the memory leaves her hollow as it ever does. The smile drops along with. But it still feels like she’s been slammed back into her room, sleet blasting rudely through the ceiling. It forces a shudder, an instinctive curl into herself, and—surprise of the century—it hurts.]
Bring— what, [trying in relative vain to suppress the hiss,] the fort? No. [How quickly her mood can drop; the annoyance isn’t really with Eren, for once, but it might as well sound it. She gets the feeling the fort isn’t what he’s talking about.] Wouldn’t have brought anything.
[At the pained hiss, Eren feels irritation. Why can’t she just sit still? A cold breeze through the (suddenly?) shoddy walls makes his hair stand up on his arms and neck.
[His voice comes out sounding accusatory.]
I’m not the one who imagined it.
[Idly, he takes his jacket from the floor and puts it back on, pulling it tightly around himself.
[Oh, great; to add insult to injury, now Eren’s mad at her? For what?]
I’m sorry? [Does not sound it. Aubrey’s really more confused than anything, but…] I just said, I don’t control what this stupid world pulls from. Can’t you just— pretend we’re somewhere else?
[Punctuated by a suppressed shudder, and a tug at the sleeves she doesn’t have. Last she checked it was summer. The jacket got lost in the fray somewhere; it would’ve gotten in the way of Eren’s work anyway, but now…]
[”Can’t you just pretend we’re somewhere else?” Anxiety creeps up inside of Eren. He remembers early on that trying to transform into the Attack Titan only seemed to work in desperate situations. He figures a similar phenomenon is what brought them here. Now that they are here though, are they able to leave?
[Definitely sounding impatient now:]
You can learn to control it. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
[However.]
It’s not an exact science.
[Then, with a glance at the door, he tosses her a blanket. The gesture seems a little careless; by its very nature, it’s not.
[He rises, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself, and approaches the door. Just as he’s about to open it, a wind comes through that rattles the walls of the barracks.
[He peers through one of the too-large cracks in the wood.]
[Aubrey bites back a retort. Because it seems increasingly like she already has controlled it, entirely without trying—though she certainly doesn’t remember the wind echoing like that, as if the landscape outside has suddenly become all too vast.]
[She throws the blanket around herself quickly as she can manage, gratefulness for it outweighing any annoyance at the toss. How the hell can Eren get so close to the door with just a jacket…?]
“Snow…?”
[Why.]
Definitely… n-not a science. [It’s a grumbled comment; so much for not shivering. Aubrey is mortified, frankly.] Where are you going?
[Another blast of wind rattles the barracks, howling through every opening. Eren steps away from the door, pulling his jacket around him ever tighter. He can’t remember the last time he felt this cold.]
This isn’t good. What are you imagining? Control your thoughts.
[As if he himself wasn’t thinking of the frigid winter where they’d formed a search party.
[He gets back on his knees near Aubrey, pulling the blanket he’d been sleeping with around his shoulders. His teeth are starting to chatter. It’s very difficult to picture anything warm.]
[If only shame could warm a room, because Aubrey feels entirely pathetic, shivering and shaking. She just barely hears Eren’s first response over the wind, and then said wind whips away any conscious thought about the matter. (There was, perhaps, a weird flash of relief.)]
[When he kneels down again she shifts his way on instinct, not quite making contact but seemingly wanting to. Is it just the contrast or is he actually much warmer?]
[Yet another gust rattles the room before Aubrey pieces together a response.] S-storm. [Obviously. But:] Wasn’t… th-this bad. [She can’t quite muster an accusatory tone. It’s getting hard to think about anything, never mind warmth.]
[It would be easy to blame Aubrey for this. The cold is becoming increasingly more aggravating, but ultimately, concern outshines the irritation. She’s shivering violently, much more so than himself, but he doesn’t trust that that will last.
[She won’t heal like this.
[Eren snatches another blanket off the ground, the cold assaulting his skin when his jacket opens with the motion. He shudders, throwing the cover over shoulders and head. His body is, indeed, emitting heat as his arms temporarily hover over her body. Aubrey’s body heat is noticeable enough itself compared to the rapidly descending temperature in the room.]
Lie down. Cover up.
[The more layers they can bury themselves under, the better. If she does lie down, he’ll continue to throw covers over her. Every time he hovers closer to her, his body heat radiates from him. He’s aware of the possibility that he’ll need to utilize it if things don’t heat up soon - and he’s not faithful they will, even if—]
[Aubrey only somewhat registers Eren’s motion before she gets a face full of blanket. Which, alright, fine, that works. Hell with looking like a sorry little thing, and to hell with this world that apparently wants to finish killing her. It’s so goddamn cold.]
[She follows Eren’s initial command without question, curling on her side and tugging the onslaught of covers close. It is marginally less cold. What’d he say now, “warm”? Something under his breath? It’s hard to be indignant when her teeth are chattering this much.]
[Heat and beach and summer could not feel further away; they’re a distant fantasy, inasmuch they occur to Aubrey at all. Eren’s going to run himself ragged again because she can’t pretend hard enough this time, and— Damn it.]
[She juts one hand out from under the pile; shaking, red with chill, but she tries her best to curl her fingers in a silent beckon—You. Come in. Don’t freeze out there.]
[Eren Jaeger is nothing if not stubborn, and it does occur to him first that Aubrey might be reaching for him for his own safety. This is a man who’s always hated it when others try to care for him. But then it occurs to him that she’s reaching for him for a different reason. She’s trembling so badly, and he’s only marginally better. She’ll be warmer - much so - if he gets closer. The fact that he’ll be warmer too is incidental.
[He’s not terribly keen on the idea of cuddling up with anyone, but the louder the wind howls and the barracks rattles, the less it seems like he has a choice.
[He relents, lifting the blankets as briefly as he can and lying down beside Aubrey. Beneath the covers, even he can feel the heat of his body being forced back over them. He doesn’t put his arms around Aubrey, but scoots in close. He pulls the blankets over both their heads; darkness. He can hear them both - their breathing, their chattering teeth.]
[It’s amazing what desperation can make people do. Like diving headlong into the abyss to get away from someone, only to grab his wrist and cry for him like he’s the only lifeline she has left. And now, initiating the most horrifying thing of all (or so it’s become, years removed from that youthful tangle): lying next to someone. Inches away, even.]
[But damn if the relief isn’t immediate. Aubrey covers her face to muffle the sigh, shaky as it remains, and because (of course!) she’s facing Eren. Sure, it’s dark under here, and she spent god knows how long staring at him before he woke up, but suddenly looking his way would be too much.
[Her priorities are so fucked.]
[Aubrey doesn’t fully stop shivering, but with each passing breath it subsides a little more; from something toeing hypothermia to a somewhat-tolerable chill. She’s not so far gone she’d prefer the thought-freezing scramble, of course. But there’s something stifling about this, too; quiet, unbearably close. She is much, much more aware of Eren’s breathing, his own shiver, and overall indomitable presence than she wants to be.
[He actually seems to be radiating heat.]
H-how… the hell… [Just to hear something besides him.]
[Their hideaway is an echo chamber. Hearing Aubrey’s voice this close to his ears feels profoundly wrong. Eren isn’t stupid, and the way he’s treated Aubrey has not been unintentional - that is to say, the only parts you could argue were unintentional were the kind ones. They shouldn’t be this close. She shouldn’t trust him like this. Why does that bother him?]
My body…[He pauses to shiver, his own voice too loud in his ears.]
I generate more heat. The t-titan.
[The warmth is welcome, of course, but Eren senses it will be short-lived. Even as they lie here, the temperature is dropping.]
[Talking was a mistake. Hearing him close as he dressed her wound was easy enough to dismiss; this, less. If not for said wound Aubrey would have turned her back to him. Of all things, trust isn’t on her mind at all—if only because she hasn’t stopped to question it. The situation hasn’t really allowed it.
[He said he wouldn’t let her die; he hasn’t. He’s gone out of his way to make sure she doesn’t. That’s all she needs, here. Everything else can weigh down later.]
[The titan bit, for instance? Sure. Heat wave. Giant monster transformation. Why not. Makes as much sense as anything else, here. But maybe she should be more skeptical, because the temperature’s still falling....]
[Fine. Voice is a distraction.] H. Hey. [Great, not the teeth chattering again....] Th-think of… anywhere else, yet?
[But he’s not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth he’s imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadets’ barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[There’s a vivid image in Eren’s mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyone’s soul. It’s late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braun’s arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[”Gotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,” his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, they’re both shivering.
[”I’ll die from you— oof— cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.”
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Eren’s scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - it’s too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[”Is this shit…e-ever gonna let up?” Eren asks.
[”What, you don’t want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?”
[Another blast of cold sends Eren’s face burrowing into Reiner’s chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Eren’s back.
[It’s not just a fond memory. It’s warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, “I’d do anything to be like him. This is my hero.”
[But there’s a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. He’s reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, she’ll see what he’s seen.]
[“I’m trying.” There’s a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesn’t need to see to feel, a spike of heat—and then he grabs her.]
[It’s a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesn’t matter, in this moment—just him. A parallel that runs deep as blood you’ve spilled, deeper—irreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[He’s everything you want to be. He’s everything you can’t be. And neither of you can go home.
[He’s hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you don’t care, that the mere thought of this man doesn’t leave you floundering, gasping, falling—your world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And he’s hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you can’t move and you’re trembling, reeling, and he wouldn’t do that to you but he would, wouldn’t he? He’s impossibly warm. He’ll be the death of—
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Rein– e-Er— [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizable—Aubrey’s, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes don’t feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but it’s her body, isn’t it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
[It happens quickly. Eren loses himself, he puts his arms around Aubrey, a few silent moments pass, and then, she’s screaming. Eren jolts away from her, genuinely startled by the sudden shrieking. He releases her from his grasp, reeling back as far as the tight blanket cocoon will allow (it isn’t far).]
What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what she’s said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He can’t see her, but he can still stare through her.]
[Aubrey’s heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she might’ve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt her—at least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and she’s reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laugh…
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustration—but it’s too loud in here as-is, Eren’s breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that your—? When you touched— [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Things feel different now. Willing yourself to another location is much faster than running.]
This world listens to our intentions.
Sometimes.
[He’s interrupted by another yawn, which he turns his face away for this time. Now he really feels undignified. He idly wishes he could be less human right now.]
I’ve been practicing. I guess you should do.
[Then, with another glance around the pillow fort:]
I don’t know what you were thinking of. You must have been confused.
Doesn’t matter, I guess. You still managed to land somewhere soft, even if it is a mess.
no subject
[It’s a little strange getting an actual answer—but that’s been consistent from the start, hasn’t it? Either this or deflection.]
[Idly Aubrey is reminded of Eren’s actual intentions, for his world. It’s strange, doubtlessly, having that occur to her like no big deal. It hasn’t been on her mind at all, really; more than anything, she hopes this world’s malleability means if he starts shaking again, she can pretend-intend them into a hospital.
[The dissonance is not lost on her—his life, and the countless he has been and will be responsible for ending. It’s as though the rest are too abstract, too distant, to be real to her.
[Eren, here, and his ever-normal yawning… is real.
[She’ll mull over it later.]
It’s not a mess. [And though it’s still embarrassing, she watches Eren with a wary side-eye as she talks. Just in case.] You’ve never made a pillow fort before…?
no subject
This? [He glances around the fort a third time, a gesture.]
No.
This is common for you?
[His tone could be misconstrued as judgmental, maybe, but he is genuinely curious too, even if that’s not what shines through. It just seems like such a strange thing. He can ascertain now that it’s probably for fun, but. Strange all the same.
[Maybe part of Eren never stopped wondering about what another world would be like.]
no subject
[It does sound judgmental to her—in the same way “privileged” is a judgment, in retrospect saying so much more about the speaker than the listener. Aubrey cannot imagine Eren at 12 years old.]
Hah. Yeah, they’re pretty common where I’m from, I guess. [Quietly sidestepping whether they were common for her. She gets a little too lost in the memory to realize the inadvertent admission of safety, though.]
[Aubrey’s too sore to pull her knees all the way up to her chest, but that’s alright; she doesn’t want to completely lose focus on Eren again anyway. The moment feels dangerously close to right before that happened, and she settles for a midway position—relaxed, but not all the way.]
My friends and I used to make little hideaways like this. We’d, ah… [Why is she admitting all this? Why does it feel like an admission?] We’d fall asleep in them, together. It was nice.
no subject
Why not just use a bed?
spawning a specific event headcanon effective immediately lesgooo
[Aubrey follows his gaze. She hadn’t paid much attention to the bunks before, and now that she’s noticing the size it’s a wonder it took this long. Eren has that effect, she guesses.
[Slightly disquieting.]
[Her answer’s a bit delayed, subsequently. She shrugs.] More fun this way. There were lots of us, and one or two beds at most… only seemed fair.
[A faint smile crosses her face, much as it’s a long-gone time. The last sleepover they’d had was mid-March, and already getting warm… but the winter ones were her favorite. She doesn’t need a polaroid to remember the blizzard that swept through Faraway that last winter, ice gnawing through the walls—but everyone’s patience all the more. The storm at that house was intolerable as ever; it’d always had terrible insulation. (Aubrey doesn’t notice, but a faint draft wanders into the barracks. It’s as though the walls have become patchwork.)
[But all the howling in the world had nothing on her friends. Equal parts cheesy and poetic, that; the moment she stepped in one of their homes, it was warm. They bashed each other with pillows (something Aubrey always had a little too much fun with) and collapsed in the aftermath, giggling and whispering until sleep whisked them away. And even when the power went out, in the dead of night, they clutched their stuffed toys and each other, pulled up every blanket, and made their own peace.]
[Aubrey doesn’t dare say any of this; her bittersweet expression, as she temporarily surrenders focus to the fort, is the only giveaway. Thing is, she always had to leave. It made the world outside sting all the more—but god, she wouldn’t have traded it for anything.]
[The room is rapidly getting colder.]
no subject
[He does recall that winter in the 104th cadet core. 'A little cold and I’m thinking of that?' Christa and Ymir— No, Historia and Ymir, lost in the mountains. Eren felt too warm in his thick, fur-lined coat, but he could still feel it on his face; bitter cold and wind, stinging his eyes.
[He shivers.
[It’s strange, seeing her smile like that. She’s thinking of her friends, he’s certain. The pit inside of him sinks deeper. This isn’t a train of thought he wants to follow too closely.
[Still, he can almost picture a similar scene with Armin and Mikasa growing up, if only things had been different. But they weren’t.
[He’s just not sure what to say.]
Then you meant to bring this here?
[Bring it back to intention; a goal, a mission, an objective to meet, and so, study is necessary.]
no subject
[Eren’s voice snaps her back to the barracks, and the memory leaves her hollow as it ever does. The smile drops along with. But it still feels like she’s been slammed back into her room, sleet blasting rudely through the ceiling. It forces a shudder, an instinctive curl into herself, and—surprise of the century—it hurts.]
Bring— what, [trying in relative vain to suppress the hiss,] the fort? No. [How quickly her mood can drop; the annoyance isn’t really with Eren, for once, but it might as well sound it. She gets the feeling the fort isn’t what he’s talking about.] Wouldn’t have brought anything.
no subject
[His voice comes out sounding accusatory.]
I’m not the one who imagined it.
[Idly, he takes his jacket from the floor and puts it back on, pulling it tightly around himself.
[What’s happening here?]
no subject
[Oh, great; to add insult to injury, now Eren’s mad at her? For what?]
I’m sorry? [Does not sound it. Aubrey’s really more confused than anything, but…] I just said, I don’t control what this stupid world pulls from. Can’t you just— pretend we’re somewhere else?
[Punctuated by a suppressed shudder, and a tug at the sleeves she doesn’t have. Last she checked it was summer. The jacket got lost in the fray somewhere; it would’ve gotten in the way of Eren’s work anyway, but now…]
no subject
[Definitely sounding impatient now:]
You can learn to control it. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
[However.]
It’s not an exact science.
[Then, with a glance at the door, he tosses her a blanket. The gesture seems a little careless; by its very nature, it’s not.
[He rises, pulling his jacket more tightly around himself, and approaches the door. Just as he’s about to open it, a wind comes through that rattles the walls of the barracks.
[He peers through one of the too-large cracks in the wood.]
Snow…?
no subject
[Aubrey bites back a retort. Because it seems increasingly like she already has controlled it, entirely without trying—though she certainly doesn’t remember the wind echoing like that, as if the landscape outside has suddenly become all too vast.]
[She throws the blanket around herself quickly as she can manage, gratefulness for it outweighing any annoyance at the toss. How the hell can Eren get so close to the door with just a jacket…?]
“Snow…?”
[Why.]
Definitely… n-not a science. [It’s a grumbled comment; so much for not shivering. Aubrey is mortified, frankly.] Where are you going?
no subject
I’m not leaving.
[Another blast of wind rattles the barracks, howling through every opening. Eren steps away from the door, pulling his jacket around him ever tighter. He can’t remember the last time he felt this cold.]
This isn’t good. What are you imagining? Control your thoughts.
[As if he himself wasn’t thinking of the frigid winter where they’d formed a search party.
[He gets back on his knees near Aubrey, pulling the blanket he’d been sleeping with around his shoulders. His teeth are starting to chatter. It’s very difficult to picture anything warm.]
no subject
[If only shame could warm a room, because Aubrey feels entirely pathetic, shivering and shaking. She just barely hears Eren’s first response over the wind, and then said wind whips away any conscious thought about the matter. (There was, perhaps, a weird flash of relief.)]
[When he kneels down again she shifts his way on instinct, not quite making contact but seemingly wanting to. Is it just the contrast or is he actually much warmer?]
[Yet another gust rattles the room before Aubrey pieces together a response.] S-storm. [Obviously. But:] Wasn’t… th-this bad. [She can’t quite muster an accusatory tone. It’s getting hard to think about anything, never mind warmth.]
no subject
[She won’t heal like this.
[Eren snatches another blanket off the ground, the cold assaulting his skin when his jacket opens with the motion. He shudders, throwing the cover over shoulders and head. His body is, indeed, emitting heat as his arms temporarily hover over her body. Aubrey’s body heat is noticeable enough itself compared to the rapidly descending temperature in the room.]
Lie down. Cover up.
[The more layers they can bury themselves under, the better. If she does lie down, he’ll continue to throw covers over her. Every time he hovers closer to her, his body heat radiates from him. He’s aware of the possibility that he’ll need to utilize it if things don’t heat up soon - and he’s not faithful they will, even if—]
Think of somewhere warm. Th-think hard—- Shit.
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[Aubrey only somewhat registers Eren’s motion before she gets a face full of blanket. Which, alright, fine, that works. Hell with looking like a sorry little thing, and to hell with this world that apparently wants to finish killing her. It’s so goddamn cold.]
[She follows Eren’s initial command without question, curling on her side and tugging the onslaught of covers close. It is marginally less cold. What’d he say now, “warm”? Something under his breath? It’s hard to be indignant when her teeth are chattering this much.]
[Heat and beach and summer could not feel further away; they’re a distant fantasy, inasmuch they occur to Aubrey at all. Eren’s going to run himself ragged again because she can’t pretend hard enough this time, and— Damn it.]
[She juts one hand out from under the pile; shaking, red with chill, but she tries her best to curl her fingers in a silent beckon—You. Come in. Don’t freeze out there.]
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[He’s not terribly keen on the idea of cuddling up with anyone, but the louder the wind howls and the barracks rattles, the less it seems like he has a choice.
[He relents, lifting the blankets as briefly as he can and lying down beside Aubrey. Beneath the covers, even he can feel the heat of his body being forced back over them. He doesn’t put his arms around Aubrey, but scoots in close. He pulls the blankets over both their heads; darkness. He can hear them both - their breathing, their chattering teeth.]
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[It’s amazing what desperation can make people do. Like diving headlong into the abyss to get away from someone, only to grab his wrist and cry for him like he’s the only lifeline she has left. And now, initiating the most horrifying thing of all (or so it’s become, years removed from that youthful tangle): lying next to someone. Inches away, even.]
[But damn if the relief isn’t immediate. Aubrey covers her face to muffle the sigh, shaky as it remains, and because (of course!) she’s facing Eren. Sure, it’s dark under here, and she spent god knows how long staring at him before he woke up, but suddenly looking his way would be too much.
[Her priorities are so fucked.]
[Aubrey doesn’t fully stop shivering, but with each passing breath it subsides a little more; from something toeing hypothermia to a somewhat-tolerable chill. She’s not so far gone she’d prefer the thought-freezing scramble, of course. But there’s something stifling about this, too; quiet, unbearably close. She is much, much more aware of Eren’s breathing, his own shiver, and overall indomitable presence than she wants to be.
[He actually seems to be radiating heat.]
H-how… the hell… [Just to hear something besides him.]
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My body…[He pauses to shiver, his own voice too loud in his ears.]
I generate more heat. The t-titan.
[The warmth is welcome, of course, but Eren senses it will be short-lived. Even as they lie here, the temperature is dropping.]
Stay close…
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[Talking was a mistake. Hearing him close as he dressed her wound was easy enough to dismiss; this, less. If not for said wound Aubrey would have turned her back to him. Of all things, trust isn’t on her mind at all—if only because she hasn’t stopped to question it. The situation hasn’t really allowed it.
[He said he wouldn’t let her die; he hasn’t. He’s gone out of his way to make sure she doesn’t. That’s all she needs, here. Everything else can weigh down later.]
[The titan bit, for instance? Sure. Heat wave. Giant monster transformation. Why not. Makes as much sense as anything else, here. But maybe she should be more skeptical, because the temperature’s still falling....]
[Fine. Voice is a distraction.] H. Hey. [Great, not the teeth chattering again....] Th-think of… anywhere else, yet?
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I’m trying.
[But he’s not thinking of a warm beach or a hot summer. The warmth he’s imagining is different. It drives a spike through him, red hot, so intense that his teeth grit, his body curling in tighter on itself, and, subsequently, Aubrey.
[Winters in the cadets’ barracks could be brutal. Layers of clothes did little to fight off the chill, the breaths of he and his comrades clouding the air in front of them like titan steam.
[There’s a vivid image in Eren’s mind: a strong, square jaw and blonde hair - a smile that could warm anyone’s soul. It’s late and growing ever colder, the wind outside howling loudly over a cacophony of chattering teeth and stifled, shivering laughter. Reiner Braun’s arms are tight around him, squeezing tightly and playfully, Eren groaning through a laugh at the pressure.
[”Gotta stay warm, Eren. Nothing else I can do,” his deep voice teases. Eren is snickering into his chest. Reiner feels impossibly warm, but still, they’re both shivering.
[”I’ll die from you— oof— cracking my spine before I die f-from the cold, Reiner.”
[Reiner grinds his chin roughly into Eren’s scalp - a makeshift noogie while their hands are occupied. There are laughs of protest, squirming - it’s too cold to wrestle, but they try to with their legs. Neither can fight off shudders every few seconds, squeezing each other tighter.
[”Is this shit…e-ever gonna let up?” Eren asks.
[”What, you don’t want to go out sledding? Snowball fight?”
[Another blast of cold sends Eren’s face burrowing into Reiner’s chest as they both take shuddering breaths. Strong hands rub warm circles on Eren’s back.
[It’s not just a fond memory. It’s warmth, and admiration, the bond that only two people suffering the same hell can share. Their sameness, and their closeness, and the way Eren feels Reiner close and thinks, “I’d do anything to be like him. This is my hero.”
[But there’s a rot to this memory too. Hatred, as black and deep as the void of space. Pain. The arrows of betrayal, piercing every inch of Eren.
[Grief, all-consuming, as if being swallowed and drowned. Longing. Overwhelming longing. Love how only Eren Jaeger feels it - extreme; hatred how only Eren Jaeger can feel it - catastrophic.
[His arms wrap around Aubrey without him realizing. He’s reaching for someone else. He has no idea that, when he touches her, skin burning, she’ll see what he’s seen.]
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[“I’m trying.” There’s a shift in Eren after that, a tension that Aubrey doesn’t need to see to feel, a spike of heat—and then he grabs her.]
[It’s a flash. Warm smile, warm hands and arms and chest; an embrace that only someone you trust with your life can offer. The outside doesn’t matter, in this moment—just him. A parallel that runs deep as blood you’ve spilled, deeper—irreconcliable, even when (especially when), just as sharply, your paths diverge.
[He’s everything you want to be. He’s everything you can’t be. And neither of you can go home.
[He’s hurt you in ways you can barely begin to fathom. You can hardly begin to pretend you don’t care, that the mere thought of this man doesn’t leave you floundering, gasping, falling—your world crumbling with.
[All you wanted was him.]
[And he’s hurting you now, his arms wrapped around you in what feels like a vicegrip, you can’t move and you’re trembling, reeling, and he wouldn’t do that to you but he would, wouldn’t he? He’s impossibly warm. He’ll be the death of—
[The blood should not be part of the memory.]
R-Rein– e-Er— [The voice is shrill, nigh-unrecognizable—Aubrey’s, as emotion jolts through and rots her from the inside out. The tears in her eyes don’t feel like hers, an ugly overflow from a memory she wants less than anything (but it’s her body, isn’t it?), and she writhes and kicks in the arms of the soldier keeping her warm.] Stop!
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What? What?
[His voice is as irritated as it is flustered.
[But then, suddenly, he realizes what she’s said.
[The next time he speaks, his voice is deadly.]
Why did you just say that name?
[He can’t see her, but he can still stare through her.]
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[Aubrey’s heart thuds. The chill, when Eren retreats, is immediate. What, indeed; if not for his voice echoing her thoughts she might’ve surrendered to the temptation to blame him.
[She needs to focus, take her mind back. It doesn’t make sense. Why would Eren do that? Would he actually try to hurt her—at least, in that way? But oh god, now he sounds like he would, and she’s reminded of fists clenched so tight they bleed, fire in his eyes, a laugh…
[How dare he treat her like this. (Whose feelings are those?)]
[It makes her want to scream again, just in pure frustration—but it’s too loud in here as-is, Eren’s breath still hot and flaring much too close for comfort, and Aubrey finally chokes out a reply.] W-was that your—? When you touched— [She feels violated. The anger is swirling still; at Eren, at everything and everyone but Eren, and it comes out through gritted teeth.]
What were you thinking?!
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Answer me, Aubrey.
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