[So much for feeling nothing. It’s as though, in her surge of panic and care and heartache for Eren, Eren Jaeger, Eren Jaeger who broke her spirit and saved her life and drives her crazy and (she thinks) almost died, Eren Jaeger, Eren End-of-the-World Jaeger, Eren Jaeger with the gentle hands and the dead-eyed shaking, Eren who-might-as-well-be-her-whole-world-now Jaeger, Eren, Eren Jaeger, Eren Jaeger—]
[She can’t tell if the shooting, stabbing pain is from her heart or stomach or where, it doesn’t matter (what does, here, anymore), but it’s the only thing keeping her from just…]
[Aubrey is in no condition to resist as Eren, Eren, Eren takes her shoulders back, lies her flat. She buries her palms in her face and tries to shut up, make his job of dealing with her a little easier. At least his voice (again) gives her something else to focus on (again), and she stops blubbering his name to reply (that’s new):]
[Eren's consciousness shifts in a strange direction. Perhaps the flashback - this state of regression - wouldn't be so severe if it weren't for where they are right now, but...as it stands, he doesn't flatten back out as quickly as he usually does. A distance away, he can feel the numbness trying to trickle back in, but...he's so distracted by Aubrey's sobbing - so confused by it - that he can't quite shift back into the facade he's spent years constructing...]
Calm down...
[There's no edge to his voice. He adjusts a pillow under her head, trying to position her in such a way that minimizes any additional trauma to the wound. More and more, the edges of his consciousness begin to blacken and flatten, threatening to freeze him over once again - but the process never quite completes itself.
[He's not fifteen anymore, but he is...disoriented, perplexed...Aubrey's crying so hard. It makes sense. She isn't a soldier. She's never seen a titan like that--
[Was it a titan? Sure. What else would it be...?
[His voice when he speaks now sounds more like the version she's used to, but...even so, it's...patient. There's no ire to it; in fact, vague concern.]
We're safe. [The titan's gone. He killed it. It's alright now.]
[If only this was about the titan. “Titan.” Either.]
[Aubrey’s still crying, but physical exhaustion is taking its toll. Like hell if this has been good for her silly little wound, never mind whatever’s going on in her head and heart—but Eren says it’s safe, it’s alright, and she’s desperate enough to want to pretend everything will be okay.]
[She doesn’t move her hands, but she hears his voice, and she can tell it’s different. Eren’s different. He— he almost just died, for christ’s sake, he fought that thing for her, he’s a child soldier, he hurt himself, he’s seen so much already…]
Y-you shouldn’t… [God. Shut up. Let him help.] You can’t… [But maybe holding on is the least she can do for him.]
[Eren can see her fading before her head hits the pillow. Idly, he's glad he put it there. It doesn't concern him all that much that she's passed out; she's lost a lot of blood, and with a wound like that, what she'll need more than anything is rest. It seems they've found a safe place for it too. The only strange part is that they're still here, and the illusion isn't fading.
[This universe isn't done with them yet. As Eren's mind fully numbs again, he can't help but get the impression that something bigger than the both of them is pulling the strings.
[He doesn't like that at all. Two birds in the same cage. He's so fucking tired of cages.
[To ensure Aubrey is only sleeping, he checks her pulse for a steady beat - there. He checks her forehead for excessive heat - not there. He pulls a nearby cover up over her to her shoulders, to prevent any shock, should it settle in late.
[Once it's all done, he's tired. Leftover memories keep his body lightly trembling - shaky, like when you haven't eaten for too long.
[He needs to rest. He just wants to rest...
[He moves a couple of feet away from Aubrey. His body feels like lead. He means to make it to one of the bunks, but ends up lying on his side instead of standing up - something he only does when he's too exhausted to lie rigid on his back. Even when he sleeps, he doesn't relax, but this exhaustion feels like a brick wall to the face - as if he were attacked, not Aubrey. When's the last time a transformation took this much out of him?
[Yanking a blanket around his shoulders, he closes his eyes, and falls instantly into black sleep.
[Hours pass. The barracks of their combined consciousness remains.
[Sleeping like this - so deeply - leaves Eren's face mild and at ease. It doesn't at all seem to fit his features; almost as if he were another person entirely.]
[Aubrey dreams of shadows. Mocking figures, dispassionate; a glimmer of hope smothered by undeniable truths; an inhuman roar wrapped in a very, very human touch. It’s hazy and scattered, blurred by sheer exhaustion—but even before she can wake to question it, the mere fact of the subconscious pyre promises her that none of this was a nightmare.
[As long as they’re stuck here… life is like this.]
[Two things rouse her, with varying levels of intrusion. The pain: unwelcome, if graciously dull. The snoring: light, mildly confusing. Who th…?
[He’s alive.
[The thought wakes her immediately. Although bleariness lingers, her attention falls on him. His face. And—
[It’s strange.
[Not his features, exactly. It’s the rest. It’s seeing Eren Jaeger wrapped in a blanket. All traces of the usual cold, hard expression she’s used to, the animal anger or fear she’s glimpsed (and god, she never wants to see him frozen and shaking like that again)… it’s all gone. He’s just… asleep. Maybe even at peace.
[He’s human, despite it all.]
[This is the person who… among many, many other things… saved her life.]
[Aubrey stares at him, silent, for what feels like a long time. Her eyes don’t leave him once.]
[Eren’s world isn’t conducive to sleep. Of all the very few places he’s felt at home, the cadets’ barracks would be only second on the list; even then, a soldier must always have their guard up.
[But this place is different. The pillows beneath him are softer than anything he’s ever touched. The room is silent, the monsters are far away, the Titan is defeated. Something assures Eren’s subconscious of this. Perhaps he’s been here too long.
[The blanket is wrapped tightly around his shoulders, almost as if he were cold, but it isn’t that. He dreams of his family home. He dreams of his mother wrapping a blanket around him and holding his face in her delicate hands. It’s the closest thing he’s felt to peace in years.
[And then, it’s over. Light streams in through the window, illuminating his mother only briefly before it consumes her.
[He opens his eyes. His heart collapses.
[He’s confused, momentarily, by the position he’s found himself in. Comfortable, the room at a sideways tilt. He’s so warm.
[He pushes himself to sit, feeling heavy with rest. Strange…
[He sets his eyes on Aubrey. She’s alive.]
Did you bleed through?
[His voice is hoarse with sleep, and he’s unable to fight off a yawn. It’s a very…average sight.]
[Aubrey hasn’t moved much since passing out, save the tilt of her head to the side. (Towards him.) Which means she’s still flat on her back, just as he left her. And there’s a delay between seeing him rise and then recognizing, still groggy, that he’s up, and talking to her.
[And yawning.]
Mmh… [It’s a wordless mumble, warming up the vocal cords, as one hand trails instinctively to the area in question. She doesn’t look, but it feels dry, if stained from the outburst. (Ah, yeah. That happened....)
[The yawn catches up to Aubrey, too—though it gets cut off prematurely because apparently any little thing will aggravate this stupid injury. Aubrey fixes her eyes on the ceiling, frustration creeping in again, but… generally, she’s fine as she can be. Her hand stays dry.]
[It’s strange to feel disarmed. The barracks were never that comfortable a place, were they? Eren realizes belatedly that the pillow fort should not be part of the memory. He needs to focus…]
We’re still here.
[He doesn’t need to say that it’s strange. This world’s illusions are becoming more and more real, lasting longer. Will this be a permanent injury? How long will the recovery process take? And will they remain here until it’s over?
[It feels a bit undignified, but given their close proximity, Eren moves over to her on his knees instead of standing. Grisha’s medical bag is still beside her.]
[Why would they not be here, is what Aubrey thinks. She’s just about given up on pretending she knows what to expect from anything anymore, anyone. Maybe next time they play pretend really hard, they’ll end up in outer space.]
[Relatedly, she makes a point of not looking at Eren as he moves to kneel over her again. It’s hard to tell what’s in his voice now; not quite cold, not at all gentle as before. Aubrey’s pretty sure that wasn’t a hallucination now, and she doesn’t know what to think. But she wants to hold on, to his peace in his slumber, just a little longer…]
[More concretely, she happens to notice the shirt, left wayward. She tries not to think about whose blood stains it.]
Are… you okay? [A tentative question instead, then.]
[It strikes her that she would’ve made fun of him for that question, less than a day ago. Then again, it wouldn’t have been prompted in the first place.]
You were shaking.
[She shuts her eyes, braces herself, and obeys. As expected, there’s an internal protest, but she’s less stubbornly immediate about it this time. It’s… fine. Fight. Breathe.]
You were shaking really badly. [She sounds like she’s somewhere else.]
[Again, Aubrey doesn’t move as Eren resumes his work. She’s much more cognizant this round, less rigid, but it’s not like she’s going to fight him on this.]
[And although, still without looking, she doesn’t detect the confusion, he doesn’t sound antagonistic either. Aubrey’s not sure if it would matter if he was, anyway.]
Earlier. When we were talking.
I looked away for a little bit, and…
[How specific should she be? What prompted that?]
I thought you were having a heart attack. Or a seizure or something. [Not dismissive or flippant at all. Nothing specific was in mind at the time, really.] I was even yelling for you…
[Not immediately jumping on the desperation confession? He must’ve been really out of it....]
[Aubrey starts to look his way when he pauses, notices he beat her to it, averts again. There’s something dull and heavy in her chest. Might be there to stay.]
[She decides not to tell him about the shift after.]
[She lets his words hang in silence for some time. Not at all because she believes them. It’s… a courtesy, or similar.]
[Nothing about her tone sets Eren on edge, which isn’t typical for them, but not unwelcome either. It’s amazing what can be accomplished when they aren’t at each other’s throats. It’s not as though he’s in a good mood, but at least things are calm. He can take calm for a moment.
[His mind, however, is still searching his memories. It makes his voice a little idle-sounding, like he’s not fully paying attention.]
[It does feel vaguely blasphemous that she kept his attention that long. But so did… a lot, earlier. The strayed focus is noticed, but not a bother. Somehow.]
If that happens again… what should I do.
And before[, and there’s just the slightest twinge of energy here, more firmness than agitation,] you tell me not to take responsibility… I know. I just think, if we’re here…
[ . . . ]
I don’t have your instincts.
[Not self-deprecating. Just true.]
[She’s debating whether to prod him for, yet again, skimming the point—but he speaks first.]
“Call for me.”
[It… surprises her. Enough for Aubrey to finally look at him again, her own expression… confused? Stunned. Not quite angry, but sure not happy.
[It scares her.]
[Questions rise and die in her like waves. The hand she gripped at him with earlier, feeling his pulse, closes around nothing; reopens, closes again. She’s cognizant of his touch, cognizant that he could do anything to her right now, and she… wouldn’t protest, really.
[There’s some visible floundering on her face through this. She breaks contact again. Swallows, lightly, and cedes a little more.]
[It’s not a sentiment that Eren isn’t used to, exactly, but he’s certainly not used to it coming from Aubrey. The conflict on her face is reflected in Eren’s mind. There’s the temptation to be irritated, but…something about it makes the hole in his heart yawn open wider instead. There are a lot of people who don’t want him to get hurt, and they’ll all be grieving him soon.
[He has to remind himself to stay cold. What’s done is done. 'There’s no coming back for me.']
[Aubrey sighs.] I’m not bleeding anymore. [Not as dry as it could have been. There’s a ‘thank you’ in this whole sentiment somewhere....]
[Meanwhile, finally, Aubrey takes notice of just where they are. She’s been vaguely aware of the barracks, just… preoccupied, and such surroundings don’t clash with Eren and his medical kit or anything.
[The pillow fort does. Like pink hair in a military, or the pink that spreads on her face with the realization. Mumbling:] Huh. That’s… [She trails off.
[It’s a stupid low-stakes thing to be embarrassed about, all considered.]
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[Aubrey sobs. Violently.]
[So much for feeling nothing. It’s as though, in her surge of panic and care and heartache for Eren, Eren Jaeger, Eren Jaeger who broke her spirit and saved her life and drives her crazy and (she thinks) almost died, Eren Jaeger, Eren End-of-the-World Jaeger, Eren Jaeger with the gentle hands and the dead-eyed shaking, Eren who-might-as-well-be-her-whole-world-now Jaeger, Eren, Eren Jaeger, Eren Jaeger—]
[She can’t tell if the shooting, stabbing pain is from her heart or stomach or where, it doesn’t matter (what does, here, anymore), but it’s the only thing keeping her from just…]
[Aubrey is in no condition to resist as Eren, Eren, Eren takes her shoulders back, lies her flat. She buries her palms in her face and tries to shut up, make his job of dealing with her a little easier. At least his voice (again) gives her something else to focus on (again), and she stops blubbering his name to reply (that’s new):]
No… no, y-you’re alive… that’s what… matters....
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Calm down...
[There's no edge to his voice. He adjusts a pillow under her head, trying to position her in such a way that minimizes any additional trauma to the wound. More and more, the edges of his consciousness begin to blacken and flatten, threatening to freeze him over once again - but the process never quite completes itself.
[He's not fifteen anymore, but he is...disoriented, perplexed...Aubrey's crying so hard. It makes sense. She isn't a soldier. She's never seen a titan like that--
[Was it a titan? Sure. What else would it be...?
[His voice when he speaks now sounds more like the version she's used to, but...even so, it's...patient. There's no ire to it; in fact, vague concern.]
We're safe. [The titan's gone. He killed it. It's alright now.]
It's alright now.
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[If only this was about the titan. “Titan.” Either.]
[Aubrey’s still crying, but physical exhaustion is taking its toll. Like hell if this has been good for her silly little wound, never mind whatever’s going on in her head and heart—but Eren says it’s safe, it’s alright, and she’s desperate enough to want to pretend everything will be okay.]
[She doesn’t move her hands, but she hears his voice, and she can tell it’s different. Eren’s different. He— he almost just died, for christ’s sake, he fought that thing for her, he’s a child soldier, he hurt himself, he’s seen so much already…]
Y-you shouldn’t… [God. Shut up. Let him help.] You can’t… [But maybe holding on is the least she can do for him.]
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Shouldn't what?
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You… you shouldn’t have saved me.
You shouldn’t have talked to me.
[You should have let me…]
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I'm not going to let you die.
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[She’d laugh if she had the energy.]
[After a few more breaths, ever shaky:]
Th-then I was right.
[She lowers her hands just enough to look at him, and her mouth pulls into something resembling a smile.]
We have… a lot in common....
[Aubrey passes out.]
[Wasn’t that his idea....]
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[This universe isn't done with them yet. As Eren's mind fully numbs again, he can't help but get the impression that something bigger than the both of them is pulling the strings.
[He doesn't like that at all. Two birds in the same cage. He's so fucking tired of cages.
[To ensure Aubrey is only sleeping, he checks her pulse for a steady beat - there. He checks her forehead for excessive heat - not there. He pulls a nearby cover up over her to her shoulders, to prevent any shock, should it settle in late.
[Once it's all done, he's tired. Leftover memories keep his body lightly trembling - shaky, like when you haven't eaten for too long.
[He needs to rest. He just wants to rest...
[He moves a couple of feet away from Aubrey. His body feels like lead. He means to make it to one of the bunks, but ends up lying on his side instead of standing up - something he only does when he's too exhausted to lie rigid on his back. Even when he sleeps, he doesn't relax, but this exhaustion feels like a brick wall to the face - as if he were attacked, not Aubrey. When's the last time a transformation took this much out of him?
[Yanking a blanket around his shoulders, he closes his eyes, and falls instantly into black sleep.
[Hours pass. The barracks of their combined consciousness remains.
[Sleeping like this - so deeply - leaves Eren's face mild and at ease. It doesn't at all seem to fit his features; almost as if he were another person entirely.]
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[Aubrey dreams of shadows. Mocking figures, dispassionate; a glimmer of hope smothered by undeniable truths; an inhuman roar wrapped in a very, very human touch. It’s hazy and scattered, blurred by sheer exhaustion—but even before she can wake to question it, the mere fact of the subconscious pyre promises her that none of this was a nightmare.
[As long as they’re stuck here… life is like this.]
[Two things rouse her, with varying levels of intrusion. The pain: unwelcome, if graciously dull. The snoring: light, mildly confusing. Who th…?
[He’s alive.
[The thought wakes her immediately. Although bleariness lingers, her attention falls on him. His face. And—
[It’s strange.
[Not his features, exactly. It’s the rest. It’s seeing Eren Jaeger wrapped in a blanket. All traces of the usual cold, hard expression she’s used to, the animal anger or fear she’s glimpsed (and god, she never wants to see him frozen and shaking like that again)… it’s all gone. He’s just… asleep. Maybe even at peace.
[He’s human, despite it all.]
[This is the person who… among many, many other things… saved her life.]
[Aubrey stares at him, silent, for what feels like a long time. Her eyes don’t leave him once.]
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[But this place is different. The pillows beneath him are softer than anything he’s ever touched. The room is silent, the monsters are far away, the Titan is defeated. Something assures Eren’s subconscious of this. Perhaps he’s been here too long.
[The blanket is wrapped tightly around his shoulders, almost as if he were cold, but it isn’t that. He dreams of his family home. He dreams of his mother wrapping a blanket around him and holding his face in her delicate hands. It’s the closest thing he’s felt to peace in years.
[And then, it’s over. Light streams in through the window, illuminating his mother only briefly before it consumes her.
[He opens his eyes. His heart collapses.
[He’s confused, momentarily, by the position he’s found himself in. Comfortable, the room at a sideways tilt. He’s so warm.
[He pushes himself to sit, feeling heavy with rest. Strange…
[He sets his eyes on Aubrey. She’s alive.]
Did you bleed through?
[His voice is hoarse with sleep, and he’s unable to fight off a yawn. It’s a very…average sight.]
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[Aubrey hasn’t moved much since passing out, save the tilt of her head to the side. (Towards him.) Which means she’s still flat on her back, just as he left her. And there’s a delay between seeing him rise and then recognizing, still groggy, that he’s up, and talking to her.
[And yawning.]
Mmh… [It’s a wordless mumble, warming up the vocal cords, as one hand trails instinctively to the area in question. She doesn’t look, but it feels dry, if stained from the outburst. (Ah, yeah. That happened....)
[The yawn catches up to Aubrey, too—though it gets cut off prematurely because apparently any little thing will aggravate this stupid injury. Aubrey fixes her eyes on the ceiling, frustration creeping in again, but… generally, she’s fine as she can be. Her hand stays dry.]
Guess not.
[How fortunate.]
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We’re still here.
[He doesn’t need to say that it’s strange. This world’s illusions are becoming more and more real, lasting longer. Will this be a permanent injury? How long will the recovery process take? And will they remain here until it’s over?
[It feels a bit undignified, but given their close proximity, Eren moves over to her on his knees instead of standing. Grisha’s medical bag is still beside her.]
I need to check your wound.
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[Why would they not be here, is what Aubrey thinks. She’s just about given up on pretending she knows what to expect from anything anymore, anyone. Maybe next time they play pretend really hard, they’ll end up in outer space.]
[Relatedly, she makes a point of not looking at Eren as he moves to kneel over her again. It’s hard to tell what’s in his voice now; not quite cold, not at all gentle as before. Aubrey’s pretty sure that wasn’t a hallucination now, and she doesn’t know what to think. But she wants to hold on, to his peace in his slumber, just a little longer…]
[More concretely, she happens to notice the shirt, left wayward. She tries not to think about whose blood stains it.]
Are… you okay? [A tentative question instead, then.]
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[At her question, though:]
Why wouldn’t I be?
Sit up. Slowly.
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[It strikes her that she would’ve made fun of him for that question, less than a day ago. Then again, it wouldn’t have been prompted in the first place.]
You were shaking.
[She shuts her eyes, braces herself, and obeys. As expected, there’s an internal protest, but she’s less stubbornly immediate about it this time. It’s… fine. Fight. Breathe.]
You were shaking really badly. [She sounds like she’s somewhere else.]
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[Shaking? The shift in expression is as subtle as always, but a pinched brow betrays his very genuine confusion.]
No I wasn’t.
[He isn’t being stubborn. There’s very little agitation in his voice. As if to reinforce this:]
When?
[In his sleep…?]
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[Again, Aubrey doesn’t move as Eren resumes his work. She’s much more cognizant this round, less rigid, but it’s not like she’s going to fight him on this.]
[And although, still without looking, she doesn’t detect the confusion, he doesn’t sound antagonistic either. Aubrey’s not sure if it would matter if he was, anyway.]
Earlier. When we were talking.
I looked away for a little bit, and…
[How specific should she be? What prompted that?]
I thought you were having a heart attack. Or a seizure or something. [Not dismissive or flippant at all. Nothing specific was in mind at the time, really.] I was even yelling for you…
You didn’t answer.
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[He looks at her, eyes narrowing. What did she see, exactly? And what does that mean for him…?
[So few people know how weak he really is. Goddammit.
[His work resumes.]
I’m fine.
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[Not immediately jumping on the desperation confession? He must’ve been really out of it....]
[Aubrey starts to look his way when he pauses, notices he beat her to it, averts again. There’s something dull and heavy in her chest. Might be there to stay.]
[She decides not to tell him about the shift after.]
[She lets his words hang in silence for some time. Not at all because she believes them. It’s… a courtesy, or similar.]
Hey, Eren. [This, instead.]
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[His mind, however, is still searching his memories. It makes his voice a little idle-sounding, like he’s not fully paying attention.]
What is it?
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[It does feel vaguely blasphemous that she kept his attention that long. But so did… a lot, earlier. The strayed focus is noticed, but not a bother. Somehow.]
If that happens again… what should I do.
And before[, and there’s just the slightest twinge of energy here, more firmness than agitation,] you tell me not to take responsibility… I know. I just think, if we’re here…
[ . . . ]
I don’t have your instincts.
[Not self-deprecating. Just true.]
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If you see something like that again, run.
[There’s a pause.]
Call for me.
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[Eren.
Please.]
[She’s debating whether to prod him for, yet again, skimming the point—but he speaks first.]
“Call for me.”
[It… surprises her. Enough for Aubrey to finally look at him again, her own expression… confused? Stunned. Not quite angry, but sure not happy.
[It scares her.]
[Questions rise and die in her like waves. The hand she gripped at him with earlier, feeling his pulse, closes around nothing; reopens, closes again. She’s cognizant of his touch, cognizant that he could do anything to her right now, and she… wouldn’t protest, really.
[There’s some visible floundering on her face through this. She breaks contact again. Swallows, lightly, and cedes a little more.]
I don’t want you to get hurt.
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[He has to remind himself to stay cold. What’s done is done. 'There’s no coming back for me.']
[He finishes with her bandage.]
Worry about yourself. I’m not the one bleeding.
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[Expected enough, really.]
[Aubrey sighs.] I’m not bleeding anymore. [Not as dry as it could have been. There’s a ‘thank you’ in this whole sentiment somewhere....]
[Meanwhile, finally, Aubrey takes notice of just where they are. She’s been vaguely aware of the barracks, just… preoccupied, and such surroundings don’t clash with Eren and his medical kit or anything.
[The pillow fort does. Like pink hair in a military, or the pink that spreads on her face with the realization. Mumbling:] Huh. That’s… [She trails off.
[It’s a stupid low-stakes thing to be embarrassed about, all considered.]
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spawning a specific event headcanon effective immediately lesgooo
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